IntimateRiver
07-13-2002, 7:44pm
I wrote the following "spoof" on WORLD NEWS checkout counter headlines, this afternoon. I wasn't sure if, or where to post it, (if a moderator thinks this is in poor taste, by all means pull it!!) some lines are borrowed from here and there, and I hope no one is offended. It's very funny, & it is very scary. but most of all, I think it drives home a point people should think about, and that is what we put an honest to god descent person through in our society. The sad thing is, this spoof comes too close to the truth, it is the kind of thing Shania has to face when and if she steps back into the limelight. I am sure she loves performing, that's obvious, and I'm sure she misses it, but I am also sure there are things she doesn’t miss. With some stars, good news or bad news doesn’t matter, just as long as your name appears in the news and the tabloids. My hit on Shania, is that that attitude is as opposite from her as you’re ever going to get. Try to put yourself in her shoes and tell me what you think. She won't see the following headlines, but I imagine somewhere, people are already creating story lines ....
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Shania has released her album, it’s gone platinum the day it hits the shelves, Shania’s name is everywhere, EVERYWHERE, , EVERYWHERE
WEEK #1; You go to the checkout stand to pay for a loaf of bread and some milk, out of the corner of your eye, you catch Shania’s name and a grayed out woman’s face that kind of, sort of, looks like her holding a something that looks like an elongated mutant baby. In the background is a photo of the MotherShip hovering and a slithery but noticeable figure standing behind Shania, hand on her waist. Headline reads, The ACDC Shape Shifter Impregnates Shania, Child Prodigy born.
Week 4# Back in the checkout stand for more milk and eggs, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s child prodigy enters collage while still in diapers, consumes books by simply becoming them. Onboard computer translates what sounds like baby babble into Doctorate Thesis
Week 7# Back in the checkout stand for more bread and eggs, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s child prodigy runs for President of University, not yet out of Diapers but clutching diploma in hand, baby is set to make six figure salary
Week 11# Back in the checkout stand for more milk and shoeshine, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s album and resulting tour called a “Financial Bust”, Universal unravels, Mercury collapses, but breathtaking child whines, (almost able to talk,) Don’t worry mama, I’ll pay the bills, after all, I can change into money if I want to!!
Week 14# Back in the checkout stand for more bread and beans, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania becomes paranoid of impending doom, as baby President looks ahead and plans global strategy for World Wide run at Presidency of Planet Earth. Adopts THE slogan ….
“When there are no more weapons of mass destruction
When there is no more hunger to scar the youth
When? When I am President
THAT’S WHEN”
.
Week 17# Back in the checkout stand for the latest Shania news, there it is, in front of your eye, (so it must be true,) you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s baby survives assassination attempt by miracle pin. Bullet hits diaper pin and deflects away from child. Baby cries, “It’s All Right Ma, I’m Only Bleeding,” quoting an obscure Bob Dylan classic.
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funny and scary, ... any wonder Shania thinks about being primarily known as a songwriter some day, not a performer. Any thoughts? What would you do, if you were a star? Would you subject YOUR family to this kind of trash? Would you be immune from it? Or would you go into the wooded mountains behind your house, and write another song or two. After all, Britney always needs a new song!! gary
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shania has released her album, it’s gone platinum the day it hits the shelves, Shania’s name is everywhere, EVERYWHERE, , EVERYWHERE
WEEK #1; You go to the checkout stand to pay for a loaf of bread and some milk, out of the corner of your eye, you catch Shania’s name and a grayed out woman’s face that kind of, sort of, looks like her holding a something that looks like an elongated mutant baby. In the background is a photo of the MotherShip hovering and a slithery but noticeable figure standing behind Shania, hand on her waist. Headline reads, The ACDC Shape Shifter Impregnates Shania, Child Prodigy born.
Week 4# Back in the checkout stand for more milk and eggs, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s child prodigy enters collage while still in diapers, consumes books by simply becoming them. Onboard computer translates what sounds like baby babble into Doctorate Thesis
Week 7# Back in the checkout stand for more bread and eggs, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s child prodigy runs for President of University, not yet out of Diapers but clutching diploma in hand, baby is set to make six figure salary
Week 11# Back in the checkout stand for more milk and shoeshine, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s album and resulting tour called a “Financial Bust”, Universal unravels, Mercury collapses, but breathtaking child whines, (almost able to talk,) Don’t worry mama, I’ll pay the bills, after all, I can change into money if I want to!!
Week 14# Back in the checkout stand for more bread and beans, out of the corner of your eye you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania becomes paranoid of impending doom, as baby President looks ahead and plans global strategy for World Wide run at Presidency of Planet Earth. Adopts THE slogan ….
“When there are no more weapons of mass destruction
When there is no more hunger to scar the youth
When? When I am President
THAT’S WHEN”
.
Week 17# Back in the checkout stand for the latest Shania news, there it is, in front of your eye, (so it must be true,) you see the following WORLD NEWS headline, .. Shania’s baby survives assassination attempt by miracle pin. Bullet hits diaper pin and deflects away from child. Baby cries, “It’s All Right Ma, I’m Only Bleeding,” quoting an obscure Bob Dylan classic.
~~~~~~~~~~
funny and scary, ... any wonder Shania thinks about being primarily known as a songwriter some day, not a performer. Any thoughts? What would you do, if you were a star? Would you subject YOUR family to this kind of trash? Would you be immune from it? Or would you go into the wooded mountains behind your house, and write another song or two. After all, Britney always needs a new song!! gary