Here is Something Funny

[Troll]

Since the last thread got lost I am starting another thread

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, dear, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" and she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

[Troll]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."

[Troll]

An undertaker is walking through the graveyard when he sees a man kneeling in front of a gravestone crying and "why did you have to die?"
"Is that your wife," the undertaker asked.
"No, says the man... it was my wife's first husband."

[Troll]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says

"Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,

"I now pronounce you man and wife."

[shaniarools]

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!! I'ts gone!!!!!! Why!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh well. :p Great jokes, Andrew. I love the one with the guy in the graveyard! :funny: I'll post some soon. :D

[danielfred1235]

I know how you feel Kate... I loved all those jokes in that thread...

[shaniarools]

Tuition will be up on college campuses this fall. The average state student will pay about $8,000 for the first semester. And after he's done buying beer, he'll have to shell out for his classes. - Alan Ray

[shaniarools]

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."

At 6:30 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove Dumbass."

[shaniarools]

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

"You witnessed the robbery, sir?"
"Yes"
"What was stolen?"
"Two televisions"
"Did you see the thieves?"
"Yes"
"Could you identify them?"
"Yes"
"Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

(What's a defense attorney to do?)

[shaniarools]

A woman took a package to the post office to mail and was told it would cost $2.40 for fast delivery or $1.30 for slower service.

"There is no hurry," she told the clerk, "just so the package is delivered in my lifetime."

The postmaster glanced at her and said, "That will be $2.40, please."

[shaniarools]

Shortly after arriving at the University of Washington, I joined some new friends on a trip to nearby Vancouver, British Columbia. It was my first trip outside the United States.

At the border, a guard asked how long we would stay in Canada.

Knowing it would be after midnight when we returned, I asked, "How late will we be able to get back across the border?"

"Any time, Ma'am," the guard said. "We never close Canada."

[shaniarools]

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

[shaniarools]

During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller(a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's,
but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[shaniarools]

A blonde is picking up her car from a mechanic and meets up
with a friend.

"Is everything ok with your car now?" her friend asks.

"Yes, thank goodness," replies the blonde.

"Weren't you worried that the mechanic might try to rip you off?" asks her friend.

"Yeah, I sure was. I can't tell you how relieved I was when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!" the blonde says.

[shaniarools]

One of my employees was trying to type an outline on his computer. As I looked over what he was doing, I suggested that he use Roman numerals in the outline. He agreed, but then shortly thereafter, I hear him cursing and seeming quite frustrated. I went to his work area and asked what was wrong.

He replied, "I can't find the flippin' Roman numerals on the keyboard!!"

[shaniarools]

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"

[shaniarools]

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1 . All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

[shaniarools]

Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

Bill asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"

Jim replied, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife this week!"

[shaniarools]

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy assured her. "But you're forty years too late."

[shaniarools]

A big city counterfeiter figured the best place for him to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small, hick town in Alabama. So, he packed his bags and headed there.

Arriving in the small town, he entered a store and handed one of the bogus bills to the clerk.

"Could you change this for me, please?" he asked.

The clerk looked at the $18 bill for a few moments and replied, "I reckon so, does ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

[shaniarools]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides, it is in the
Bible that the man should do the coffee."

The husband replies, " I can't believe that; show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

[Troll]

Two Arabs are chatting.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures.

"This is my oldest son. He's a martyr."

"Here's my second son. He's a martyr too."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab wistfully says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Troll]

A man was in the bar restroom when an Irish man came in and
stood next to him at the urinal. The first man just happened to look down and saw the man had an enormous penis. Knowing he would sound weird if he said anything, he tried to keep it in. But, he finally couldn't stand it.
"I didn't want to say anything, but you've got the biggest penis I've ever seen."

"Well, thank you. I gave it to myself, I'm a leprechaun! I will give you three wishes if you like?"

"Sure!" said the first guy. "1st, I'd like an enormous mansion."

"Done, you'll wake up in it tomorrow."

"2nd, I'd like a beautiful girlfriend."

"Sure, you'll wake up with her next to you in the morning."

"3rd, I'd like a penis the size of yours!"

"Okay, but I will have to butt-**** you first."

Since the guy wants all this so badly he says okay and drops his pants and bends over.

The first guy looks up and says, "I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis the size of yours!"

And the guy answers, "I can't believe you think I'm a leprechaun!"

[shaniarools]

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking, when their
conversation switched from politics to cooking.

"I did get a cookbook once," said the first, "but I never was able to do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" the second asked.

"I'll say," replied the first, "and every single recipe started the same way - 'Take out a clean bowl and...'"

[shaniarools]

One woman's hobby may be another woman's hubby. :funny::up:

[Troll]

Originally posted by shaniarools
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking, when their
conversation switched from politics to cooking.

"I did get a cookbook once," said the first, "but I never was able to do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it?" the second asked.

"I'll say," replied the first, "and every single recipe started the same way - 'Take out a clean bowl and...'"

:funny:

[Troll]

A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life is Four animals".
The teacher asked "really and what four animals would
that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jack@ss to pay for all of it

[Troll]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[Troll]

How many frustrated actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb?




One! The others observe form a distance saying:
" That should be ME doing that "

[Troll]

Another destitute couple were discussing their finances and also decided to send the wife out on the street to "earn" some money. In the morning when she returned, she told her hubby she had 500.00 dollars and .25 cents. He asked, "What cheap ******* gave you the quarter". She replied, "They all did."

[shaniarools]

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen."

He explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it's Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it's Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it's juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it's seniors."

"When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it's graduate students."

[shaniarools]

A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice that, "If you don't stop insulting me I'm not going to marry you!"

He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, I won't tell you who the father is!"

[shaniarools]

On a flight home after a business trip, Jill was waiting for her meal. By the time the attendant reached her seat, only one dinner remained on her cart. Nonetheless, she followed routine by asking, "Steak or chicken?"

Jill stared at the dinner for some time before responding, "Okay, I give up. Which is it?"

[shaniarools]

http://www.jillsjokeline.com/jumper.shtml

[Troll]

Those are some funny ones today. :funny:

[Troll]

"Grandma, how long have you and Grandpa been married?"
asked young Nina.

"Fifty years," Grandma replied.

"That is so wonderful," exclaimed Nina. "And I bet in all that time,
you never once thought about divorce, right?"

"Right Nina. Divorce, NEVER. Murder, lots of times, but never
divorce."

[Troll]

An arrogant jerk proposes to his dumb fiancé after humiliating her at a board game. She claims he cheated but he denies it. She accepts his proposal after he apologizes by saying, "I'm sorry. I just wanted to win so bad. I'm very competitive. I love you." Two years later at their wedding he catches her cheating on him with the best man. He asks her why she would do this. She replies, "I'm sorry. I just wanted him so bad. I'm very competitive too so now we're even. I love you." She then says, "Hey, I forgave YOU for cheating...Didn't I?"

[Troll]

An old man in a car bumps into a transexual crossing a street. The transexual claims a sprained neck and takes the old man to court. The court judge compensates both people and throws the case out the window because he didn't want people making endless jokes to him about the case being just another gender bender.

[Troll]

999 Irishmen and one Englishman stand at a wishing well.
The 999 Irish go first and each wish the following:
" I want to become an Englishman " and POOOF their each individual wish has come through. Last but not least the Englishman makes his wish and says: " Make 'em all Irish again !!! "

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
" Make 'em all Irish again !!! "

:funny::funny::up:

[shaniarools]

An elderly man and his wife, vacationing at a cabin by the lake, were sitting on the porch and reminiscing about their younger years.

"This is the lake where I learned how to swim when I was a small boy," the husband said. "My father threw me into the water and I had to learn how to dog paddle to get back to the shore or drown. It was sink or swim."

"That was a cruel thing for your father to do," the wife said. "How could a loving father do such a thing to a small child? That must have been a very difficult way to learn how to swim."

"Not really," replied the husband. "Learning how to swim was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap bag first was the hard part!"

[shaniarools]

A father in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, makes a turn at a red light where it isn't allowed.

"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.


"That's OK Dad," the son says, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."

[shaniarools]

Chessy One-Liners.....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. :funny::funny::up:

[shaniarools]

He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment." :p

[shaniarools]

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here." :funny::funny::funny:

[shaniarools]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law (Ruth and Golda) meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry, Ruthie! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles." :funny::p

[shaniarools]

If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...

In 40 days, approximately 10 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet.

From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of these messages will cross the Internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

Of course, the Internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the Internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you
will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

The logical conclusion? It is better to break the initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the
idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.

[shaniarools]

Dad is working in the garden when his little son comes rushing out and says to him "Dad, what's sex ?"

Well, Dad wasn't really prepared for all this but - it had to come sometime - decides to give it his best shot, painstakingly explaining everything from start to finish, even to the extent of including of little drawings made with a stick on the ground.

The son looks on with astonishment.

"Anyway", says Dad " what causes you to ask this now?" " Oh," says the boy, "Mum said to come out and tell you that dinner would be ready in two secs..." :funny:

[Troll]

Originally posted by shaniarools
Chessy One-Liners.....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. :funny::funny::up:

That is :funny:

Love your new avatar

[manmangler]

Are you Two trying kill me at laugh :) :)
*It Seems to working*

Nice avatar Kate (How often you change it)

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll


That is :funny:

Love your new avatar

Thanks!


Originally posted by manmangler
Are you Two trying kill me at laugh :) :)
*It Seems to working*

Nice avatar Kate (How often you change it)

Thanks! Yeah, I like to change them a lot. Spice things up a bit. :p

[shaniarools]

"If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row.

Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'" ---Jay Leno

[shaniarools]

"It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said." ---David Letterman



"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger." ---David Letterman

[shaniarools]

"I went to see the Terminator movie the other night. Every time Arnold Schwarzenegger came on the screen this guy in front of me went 'Booo! Booo!' and was throwing stuff. I had to say 'Governor Davis just shut up and sit down!'"
---Jay Leno

[shaniarools]

"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." ---Bill Maher, on Arnold Schwarzenegger :funny:

[danielfred1235]

Originally posted by shaniarools
"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." ---Bill Maher, on Arnold Schwarzenegger :funny: Oh, dear God, that's good! :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: :funny: That one has to go in my signature! :D

[Troll]

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later. The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.
The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=205

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
"I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"

I love that one! :funny:

[shaniarools]

This one had me rolling on the floor!

A chicken and an egg were lounging next to one another in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very disappointed look on her face. The egg then said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question, doesn't it?!

[shaniarools]

Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench
under our bed and it wasn't mine."

Greg said, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both of his friends just stared at him.

"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found
a jockey under our bed!"

[shaniarools]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

[shaniarools]

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

[shaniarools]

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

[shaniarools]

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

[shaniarools]

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

[shaniarools]

The large office building that I work in is showing signs of its advanced age. Structural and cosmetic renovations began well over two years ago, and no end is in sight. The chronic chaos moves unpredictably from floor to floor.

The tenants apparently are feeling the stress. Posted in the elevator one morning was a hand-lettered warning sign left by the workmen: "Watch your step--floors 3, 4 and 5." By lunchtime, someone had added, "...have been removed."

[shaniarools]

Men are unbelievable!

First they sweep you off your feet.

Then they hand you the broom !

[Troll]

Originally posted by shaniarools
This one had me rolling on the floor!

A chicken and an egg were lounging next to one another in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very disappointed look on her face. The egg then said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question, doesn't it?!

:funny:

Originally posted by shaniarools
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

That is a good question I would like the answer to.

[shaniarools]

In a touristy section of Edinburgh, Scotland, we noticed a street vendor displaying the following sign by his wares: English Spoken Here. American Understood."

[Troll]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world." Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix.The guitar owner pays up the £50. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the £50. Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look. Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

[Troll]

So Jesus walks into a motel and put 3 nails on the counter and tells the clerk "Can you put my up for the night."

[Troll]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/toy_yoda.shtml

[Troll]

A couple was visiting the local zoo. They ended up at the Gorilla enclosure, where the big male appeared quite agitated clearly in need of sexual satisfaction. The man told his wife to lower her underpants and show her bum. The gorilla started to pant and became very wild. Suddenly the man noticed that the sidedoor of the cage was left open, he grabbed his wife, pushed her through straight in front of the gorilla and shouted:
" Now try to explain to HIM that you have a headache!!! "

[Troll]

Top 10 You have Joined A Redneck HMO

10. Your Viagra prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little ms on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes an apple a day.

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.s office include Take a left when you enter the trailer park.

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.

[Troll]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does.

There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?"

She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario.

She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: "What's with this ... a black condom?"

He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=250

[Troll]

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand

10) Cats' facial expressions.

9) The need for the same style of shoes indifferent colors.

8) Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7) “Fat” clothes.

6) Taking a car trip without trying to beatyour best time.

5) The difference between beige, off-whiteand eggshell.

4) Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3) Eyelash curlers.

2) The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale evermade.

1) Other women.

[shaniarools]

A plump gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant
and topped it off with some rare Napoleon brandy, then he
summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly,
"how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because
I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the gutter like a veritable bum ?"

"I'm very sorry, sir." began the contrite headwaiter.

"Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "But I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

[shaniarools]

Little Pauly comes home with a note from the teacher and shows it to his mother. The note reads:

"Pauly is an intelligent little boy but spends too much time with girls."

The following day Pauly goes to school with a note from his mother to the teacher that reads,

"If you find a solution, please let me know. I have the same problem with his father."

[shaniarools]

My mom came by to show off her brand-new Pontiac Grand Am.
My seven-year-old daughter took one look at the shiny car and
indignantly proclaimed, "They spelled grandma wrong!"

[shaniarools]

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

The employee replies, "How 'bout 3 months from now?"

[Troll]

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth.

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "had him circumcised.

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


"had him circumcised.

:funny::funny:

:funny::funny::up:

[shaniarools]

The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."

"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"

"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."

[shaniarools]

Why Cats Are Better Than Men

A cat always hits the litterbox.

You have a better chance of training a cat.

You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

If you ask enough times, a cat may actually LISTEN to you.

You can de-claw a cat... try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

A cat knows you're the key to his happiness... a man thinks He is.

[Troll]

A husband emerged from the bathroom, naked, and was climbing into bed;
When his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository.....it's up to you."

[Troll]

A small zoo in Alabama had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very agitated and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Mike, a part time trainee zoo-keeper, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition?
"Well," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
"Well," said Mike, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."

:funny:

[shaniarools]

Fun things to do at a Garage Sale.

Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.

Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!

Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with
a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all
back and leave.

When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block,
turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.

Ask for food and drink.

Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.

Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.

Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"

Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants!"

[shaniarools]

Jill and John were invited to join friends at a quaint inn over an hour's drive away. Then Jill remembered that the last time she'd eaten there, her entree was tasteless, unevenly heated, and not well presented. It was far from being a great dining experience.

When she explained why she didn't want to go, John was supportive. "You're right Jill, if we want a lousy meal, we don't have to drive so far," he said. "We can just stay here and you can cook."

[shaniarools]

"I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her mate. "Just so long as he leaves me enough!"

[shaniarools]

Q: Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra?

A: A man took twelve pills and his wife died.

[shaniarools]

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh no," I replied, I've never done either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
bar-b-qued ribs?" I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very
unhealthful!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf?" he asked. "No, I don't," I said. He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy people?" "No," I said, "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"

[shaniarools]

Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"


"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

[shaniarools]

The call girl confided to her friend, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."

"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"

"Yes, a lot," the call girl agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having then having to pay HIM."

[Troll]

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

[manmangler]

Why do it yourself when you can buy it ready

Buy Me (http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3626101535&category=4619&rd=1#ebayphotohosting)

Maybe too tired but is somebody really bid for that

Not really Joke but must share for this Geek stuff

Must read this Threads from begining from tomorrow but this Page have Good jokes Thanks :p

[Troll]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

[Troll]

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in
there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/true_blonde.shtml

[Troll]

Yo' mama so dumb, she bought a solar powered flash light!

[WHEN]

Here's an extremely dirty joke....
A big white horse fell into a mud pit...

Okay, okay, it wasn't funny, but it was dirty....
LOL

[Troll]

What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why don't men eat more M & M's? They are too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an I.Q. of 50? Gifted.

What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares!

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know - it's never happened.

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.

What's a man's idea of housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.

What did God say after he created man? I can do better than this.

What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote between his toes.

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=788

[Troll]

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath. The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

:funny:

Originally posted by WHEN
Here's an extremely dirty joke....
A big white horse fell into a mud pit...

Okay, okay, it wasn't funny, but it was dirty....
LOL

:funny::funny:

Great set, guys! :D:up:

[shaniarools]

Q What did the doctor say to the prostitute?
A. Stay out of bed for two days.

[shaniarools]

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid
question has never worked in customer service.

OMG! Sooo true!! :funny::up:

[Troll]

http://jokefunny.com/pic.shtml?jokesister.jpg

[Troll]

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

[Troll]

Originally posted by shaniarools
Q What did the doctor say to the prostitute?
A. Stay out of bed for two days.

:funny:

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

:funny:

[shaniarools]

We had been on the road for 15 hours en route from New York to
California and were looking for a place to spend the night. At four
different motels, though, we were told, "Sorry, no vacancies." Heading back to the car, my seven-year-old asked solemnly, "Mom, are we vacancies?"

[shaniarools]

Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment."

Priest: "Why, Luigi?"

Luigi: "I think I married my sister."

Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your
lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've
married your sister?"

Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she
say --"Oh, brother!"

[shaniarools]

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in
logic.

"Here is the situation," she said.

"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

[shaniarools]

A young bride and groom to be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

[shaniarools]

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."

[shaniarools]

Arriving home unexpectedly early from a business trip, the tired executive was shocked to discover his wife in bed with his next door neighbor.

"Since you are in bed with my wife," the furious man shouted, "I'm going over and sleep with yours!"

"Go right ahead," was the reply. "The rest will do you good."

[shaniarools]

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor of his was being grilled by the prosecutor. "Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.

"No,sir!", said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?"' he asked.

"No, sir." said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said "Your Honor, are we STILL talking about whiskey?"

[shaniarools]

A 100 year old Florida man has had his driver's license renewed.
State officials say there was no reason to turn him down. He has a clean driving record, other than signaling a left turn since 1987.

[shaniarools]

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." :funny::up:

[shaniarools]

"Mr. Pben, I have reviewed your case very carefully," the divorce
court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $1,000 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," Pauly replied. "And just to show there are no hard feelings, every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[shaniarools]

The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper Washington hostess.

"In my country," he said, "the most popular of all activities is making love."

Shocked, the wide eyed hostess said, "Oh! Isn't that revolting?"

"No," the diplomat replied, "that's our second favorite activity."

[shaniarools]

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

[shaniarools]

Apparently 26 years ago, Arnold gave an interview to Oui magazine about his sex life. The good news is that Arnold is married to Maria Shriver and now that he's had a sex scandal, the Kennedy family has finally accepted him. - Jay Leno

[shaniarools]

Lost in translation:

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

[shaniarools]

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read. :eek:

[shaniarools]

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.

After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, "You know Jill, you look better in person than you do on paper."

[Troll]

Great set today Kate

[shaniarools]

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

[shaniarools]

At a company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as: 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you).

However, to the joy of the staff, a handwritten addition to the posters appeared.

It was the single word: 'B LL'.

[shaniarools]

Linda: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.

Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.

Linda: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped in their seats.

[shaniarools]

"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."

[shaniarools]

Doug's barn burned down and his wife, Tammy, called the insurance company. Tammy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."

There was a long pause, and then Tammy replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.

[shaniarools]

One day, while driving with my then 5 year old son Adam, I beeped the horn by mistake. He turned and looked at me as if he was demanding an explanation.

I said, "I did that by accident..."

He replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say 'JERK!' after beeping!"

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
Great set today Kate

Thanks!

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/class_picture_surprise.shtml

[Troll]

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's Smart Teacher. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

:funny::up:

[shaniarools]

Some Camping Tips . . . .

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.

Steer clear of parks named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

[Troll]

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, "Hey, don't pee in the pool!"

The boy replied, "But everybody does it!"

"Not from the diving board!" shouted the lifeguard.

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/poop_warning.shtml

[Troll]

A pirate enters a bar and the man sitting next to him starts a coversation.
Man: ' How on earth did you get that wooden leg '
'Well' the pirate replies: ' I was engaged in a fierce battle when I fell overboard and a shark bit off my leg, hence the wooden leg '
Man: ' My goodness, but how on earth did you manage to loose your hand and get that hook there ?? '
' Well ' said the pirate: ' In another battle I again fell overboard and a shark bit off most of my fore-arm '
Man: ' Oh my...and...err..how did you loose that eye, so you have to wear an eyepad? '
Pirate: ' Oh, that? That was a seagull, which managed to drop his **** right in my eye !! '
Man: ' Seagull ****? But that's shouldn't damage your eye?? '
Pirate: ' Well, it was the first day after I had this hook fitted '

[Troll]

Out at sea, there was a guy whale and a girl whale. They were swimming along when the guy whale noticed a ship sailing towards them. Aboard the ship was the sea captain that had killed the guy whale's father. He turned to the girl whale and told her what had happened, then suggested that they should do something. "We should swim underneath the boat and blow air out of our holes to tip the boat over," he said. So the two whales did just that. To their surprise they saw the crew still alive and swimming towards the shore. "Come on, we have to go eat them!" yelled the guy whale. The girl whale turned to him and said, "Hey, I went along with the blowjob, but I AM NOT going to eat the SEAMEN!"

[Troll]

Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.

A couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[Troll]

http://jokefunny.com/pic.shtml?jokeswimming.jpg

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=482

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/hooters_calendar.shtml

[Troll]

A scientist from Texas A & M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the crap kicked out of him.

[Troll]

Thought for the day....

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
Thought for the day....

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

:funny::funny::up: That was great!

[shaniarools]

My ex-husband told me he felt old, fat, bald, useless, and stupid.

I felt kind of bad for him so I said, "Don t be silly,
you're not old."

[shaniarools]

Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

"She even called me every dirty name in the book!" I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, "There's a book?"

[shaniarools]

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

[shaniarools]

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

[shaniarools]

The short fortune-teller, who escaped from prison, was a small medium at large.

[shaniarools]

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

[shaniarools]

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the
Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

[FinnFreak]

Jsut wreid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch rperot at an Elinsgh uinervtisy,
it deons't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht teh frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

[hockey_fan]

Originally posted by FinnFreak
Jsut wreid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch rperot at an Elinsgh uinervtisy,
it deons't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht teh frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. :shocked: Hloy Carp! :shocked:

:eek: Taht is jsut pilan ferkay!! :funny: :funny: :funny:

Taknhs FninFarek!! :D:up:

...oaky....how deos one sotp dinog tihs??....:huh: ......HLEP! :eek: ...:p

[FinnFreak]

Yaeh, sarcy ins't it..? - It bodoly wkors..!

:p

hmm... tnihk I'll srtat wnitrig mroe tihs way...

:funny:

FinnFreak - :D:up:

[Troll]

Butcher to obnoxious child in his shop:
' You know who the best butcher is ?? '
Child: ' errr, no.... '
Butcher: ' Your father. He managed to create a whole pig out of one little sausage!! '

[Troll]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are arrested on suspicion of rape. The victim, a pretty blonde girl, is told that there will be an identity parade to pick out the culprit.
As she enters the room where the men have been lined up the Irishman jumps forward and shouts: ' That's her !! '

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=126

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=162

[Troll]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

[Just-a-Fan]

Originally posted by FinnFreak
Jsut wreid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch rperot at an Elinsgh uinervtisy,
it deons't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht teh frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe. :shocked::shocked: Ipmosislbe! Tihs cn'at be hpanienpg, but I can raed tihs wtih no plboemrs!! Too cool! (nticoe the rvesrede lteetr "o"s ;) ) Not to mnioten a wlhoe lot of fun!!! :up: :D:D:D

[aFinn]

Hloy Cow! Tihs is ralley srtgane! :shocked:

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by FinnFreak
Jsut wreid!

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch rperot at an Elinsgh uinervtisy,
it deons't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht teh frist and lsat ltteer
is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and
you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we
do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Folos! I've awyals kwon taht! Mwa ha ha! :p


Originally posted by hockey_fan
:shocked: Hloy Carp! :shocked:

:eek: Taht is jsut pilan ferkay!! :funny: :funny: :funny:

Taknhs FninFarek!! :D:up:

...oaky....how deos one sotp dinog tihs??....:huh: ......HLEP! :eek: ...:p

Gerat! Now Wr'ee suctk lkie tihs! Look waht you did! Grrr...

Originally posted by Just-a-Fan
:shocked::shocked: Ipmosislbe! Tihs cn'at be hpanienpg, but I can raed tihs wtih no plboemrs!! Too cool! (nticoe the rvesrede lteetr "o"s ;) ) Not to mnioten a wlhoe lot of fun!!! :up: :D:D:D

Waht's a "plboemrs"? :p

Originally posted by aFinn
Hloy Cow! Tihs is ralley srtgane! :shocked:

Yaeh!!!!!!!!!! :D

[shaniarools]

New Bubble Gum...

Kvetchmore Labs announced that it is expecting early FDA approval for a more environmental friendly bubble gum. You are expected to swallow the gum after chewing. This has two ecological benefits:

1. It doesn't end up being stuck under table tops.

2. Your farts are ejected in non-stinky bubbles.

[shaniarools]

The family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a new apartment house in town. Very early the next morning, the 3 1/2 -year-old ran into their bedroom to wake them up. Mom dressed him and told him to play in the yard and let them rest for a while longer.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells.... and they all work!"

[shaniarools]

A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.

The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats."

[Mizery1]

Do People who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards is NAIVE.

[Mizery1]

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

[Mizery1]

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...
is he still wrong?

[Troll]

Things you know because of TV...

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

- People of TV never finish their drinks.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

- All single women have a cat.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

- If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
Things you know because of TV...

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

:funny::up:

[shaniarools]

The big red "F" stared back at him on his exam paper. Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?" "Because of an absence," Johnny answered.
"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned. Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."

[shaniarools]

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in. There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!" At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

[Troll]

http://jokefunny.com/pic.shtml?jokechainsaw.jpg

[Troll]

Two businessmen met in the street and one says to the other: ' I heard your factory burnt down ' The other one replies: ' Ssshhht, that's next week !! '

[Troll]

' Why do you want a divorce?? ' the marriage counsellor asks the man. The man replies: ' Because every evening my wife goes around every pub in town !! '
' Aah, she is an alcoholic ?? ' the marriage counsellor says.
' No ' the man replies: ' She's looking for me !! '

[Troll]

A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Economists' Brains $19/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those economists' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

[Troll]

Rejected Harry Potter movies

Harry Potter and the Urinal of Wisdom

There's Something About Harry

Harry Potter and the Trenchcoat Mafia

Harriet Potter After the Life-Altering Surgery

Harry Potter and the Carnivorous Pony

Harry Potter Meets Mary Poppins

Harry Potter and the Throbbing Muscle of Love

Harry Potter and the Flobberworm from Hell

Harry Potter and the Mysterious, Smelly Bathroom Stall

Harry Potter and the Attack of the Rabid Snitch

Harry Potter and the Parking Meter

Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissues

Harry Potter and the Mime that Wouldn't be Quiet

Harry Potter and the Absolutely Unnecessary, Stupid, Pathetic, Desperate, Elephant, Redundant, Stretched Out Way-Too-Long Title

Harry Potter and the Pie Eating Contest

Harry Potter and the Bald Potter

Harry Potter and the Ketchup that Turned Green

Harry Potter and the Case of the Clean but Unfolded Laundry.

Harry Potter and the Revenge of the Mean, Sinister, Deranged, Killer Bunny Rabbit of Death!

Harry Potter And The Post Pubescent Temper Tantrum

Harry Potter And The Royal Mail Strike

Harry Potter And The Strange Disappearance Of The Film Reviewer

Harry Potter And The Gringott’s Bank Job

Harry Potter And The Over-Hyped Film

Harry Potter And The Clever Marketing Campaign

Harry Potter And The Never Ending Stream Of Merchandise

Harry Potter And The Spinning Grave Of Tolkien

Harry Potter And The Long Lost Father - Mr. D Vader

Harry Potter - It’s SO Unfair!

Harry Potter Solves Manchester United Defence Problem

Harry Potter Repairs The Ozone Layer

Harry Potter And The Raising Of The Titanic

Harry Potter And The Ratings War

Harry Potter And The Magic Mushrooms

Harry Potter And The Screaming Heebeegeeebees

Harry Potter And The Lurve Potion No. 9

Harry Potter And The Dragon’s Breath

Harry Potter Scores a Hat Trick and wins the World Cup for England

Harry Potter And The Broom of Doom

Harry Potter And The Mysteries of Windows 2000

Harry Potter Solves Third World Debt

Harry Potter And The Enchanted Cheesegrater

Harry Potter Launches His Own Cook-in-Sauce

Harry Potter And The Freak Broom Handle Accident

Harry Potter And The Goblin’ Teasmade

[Troll]

Beware of new virus outbreaks

Oprah Winfrey virus:
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.


AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.


MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.


Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."


Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.


Government Economist virus:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.


New World Order virus:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.


Bureaucrat virus:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.


Gallup virus:
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).


Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.


Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.


Airline virus:
You're in London but your data is in Singapore.


Freudian virus:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.


Sky TV virus:
Your programmes stop every few minutes to ask for money.


Elvis virus:
Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.


Nike virus:
Just does it.


Imelda Marcos virus:
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Bank account and spends it all on expensive shoes.


Star Trek virus:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

[shaniarools]

Originally posted by Troll
Two businessmen met in the street and one says to the other: ' I heard your factory burnt down ' The other one replies: ' Ssshhht, that's next week !! '

:funny::up:

Originally posted by Troll
Rejected Harry Potter movies

Harry Potter and the Flobberworm from Hell

Harry Potter Solves Manchester United Defence Problem

Harry Potter And The Mysteries of Windows 2000




:funny::funny:

[shaniarools]

We telemarketers know we're universally loathed.

Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."

[Troll]

http://amazinghumor.com/pictures/wife_beater.shtml

[Troll]

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.

He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

[shaniarools]

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=794

[Troll]

http://www.clublaugh.com/item.php?id=372

[Troll]

15 Signs You Drank Too Much

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

[Troll]

http://jokefunny.com/pic.shtml?jokeevil.jpg

[Troll]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[Troll]

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak immediately. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Aye, Aye, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped and started widdling on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in relief.
Then turning toward the officer, he said, "this is British courtesy at its best."
No it's not, Sir, " replied the policeman........ "It's the French Embassy."

[Troll]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

The woman replied, "Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

[Troll]

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff."

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time for me to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner