dreamer
09-06-2007, 9:52pm
I am going to post something I wrote that will let people in on my life... It is the only letter to Shania that says all I need it to say.....the right way, yes it's long but I hope you take the time to read it and share it*with my name still on it I hope I trust Shania fans not to steal my true story....I am posting this for you all to share because it will do no good sitting for me to read on my comp I hope it helps me contact someone who can make my dream of meeting her come true post it wherever else you like pass it on if you like
here's the letter:
Dear Shania,
What I really want is to be able to talk to you, to introduce myself, and have a nice talk.
I have so much to say, to ask. Though I believe if I work hard enough I will get the chance to say the most important part to you in person, I can't risk the probability that the most I can do is give you this, hopefully something you can draw confidence and strength from, knowing that there are so many who've taken their own journeys carrying you with them to help them climb their own mountains, keeping them on their way.
The first time I heard of you I thought that what I would hear would be some song so twang and sappy that it could be made into musical soup. I didn't say it to my friend as she pushed play, instead bracing myself in silence.
What I felt when I heard From This Moment On was beyond anything I can describe, it was beautiful, strong, and pure. I felt I had to meet you because anyone who can elicit that feeling from another person is someone I want to know.
I later told the same friend of my ambition and for a minute her less then enthusiastic response tore me apart, I am one girl from a small town out of millions of your fans, and I am in a wheelchair because I have Cerebral Palsy, the odds were clearly against me if I went to a concert of yours I'd be pretty lucky,I shouldn't set my heart on something that would undoubtedly let me down.
I know that she said what she did because she believed it, and thought it was illogical.
However, it was because of that response that I set my heart to it, I am tired of being defined by what I have *or don't*rather then who I am. Maybe I don't have a chance in hell. but I am going to exhaust all my options before I say I can't! I Could walk a mile in my walker but I never knew it until I took the steps.
You mean all of that and more, but perhaps more importantly you reinforced the idea that yes I can no matter what. You have this gift of finding strength anywhere and yet in those times when you show that other side that sheds tears, in it's beauty it is strong still. To say the least you have struck a cord, it is in no small part because of you that I strive to be my best and to live life as much as possible. And that is just the first time I heard you sing.
I was 11 then and By the end of the year I got a cd player for my birthday and Come On Over for Christmas*thanks Dad* I remember frantically clawing at the plastic on the case then trying to lift the CD out of it! I tried to hard and got a fingerprint on the back but nothing mattered, all the songs except the last played perfectly.
I now felt that with this new ambition I could do anything, even if the rest of the world was afraid that I was to fragile to do anything, I knew better and I was no longer afraid to prove it! For a year I listened to Come One Over endlessly, no other music anywhere gave me the feelings of acceptance and strength I needed, no other music could fill my deepest void. My parents have been divorced for as long as I can recall, my mom and I chat over the phone, and I talk with my little sister (I am one of 7 children). Every time I hang up the phone I feel so sad and alone. I see them for a few weeks in the summer, just long enough for me to love and leave. Trying to deal with wanting to stay but knowing it would be unsafe, loving my mother but fearing her, loving my dad, and most of all fighting an inner battle wanting to do what is best for my brothers and sisters for years it has torn me apart it's all I can do to cry to you,to blast the world away and just sing, to pray that my family wont get any more imperfections, and hope for a better day as you sing me to sleep.
My family never liked your music, but my parents have in their way supported my new dream despite that, my dad helped me buy The Woman In me just so I would give Come On Over a rest. My Mom painted a picture of you for me, there were a lot of mean things said about you but you can bet that I took the hits and defended you with pride! It wasn't until word got around at school that things got bad, people boo'd if I played your music or even brought it up and made fun of me, even when they knew your music meant the world to me and why.
Despite this I grew as a fan, fast. The more I learned about you the more I loved and when UP! came out I was ecstatic! I wanted a bedroom completely Shania'd, I was always collecting anything with you on it that I could get my hands on, and talking about you, the more Shania the better! In short you became what I lived for..... As Stupid as I feel it's true, living in the world is hard, living in a corner where harsh judgment and crushing criticism is constant and being alone in it is harder. But you made it bearable
Over the years this has only become more true, without you I would not be alive.
I was depressed in high school because I felt trapped people treated me as if I were unable to do anything and tried to do it for me without regard to my opinion or desire. At night I would cry and scream and think....seriously ....about suicide... I hated life.... Except when I saw you live. I drowned all the bad feelings and stood screaming and waving holding myself up with one hand. In Portland Oregon that night, I smiled from the bottom of my heart and that joy saved me.
On January 5th 2004 I had been shrinking back into my world of sadness for a while, when I got burned making lunch. It was a snow day, dad was at work, I spilled boiling water in my lap, I got to the bathroom and put an ice pack on each leg. The pain was so bad I had to have my brother carry me to my bed until my dad got home and took me to the ER. The burns were 2nd and 3rd degree, the doctor didn't want me to go to school until I got well but said it was up to me. they showed my dad how to dress the burns and said we had to redress them twice daily, gave me lots of pain killers, and sent me home.
Oprah! My brother had Oprah on when I got home. What in the hell??? I was lost ,until I saw your face, it was a rerun with you, Dolly Parton, and Melissa Ethridge where you sang Coat Of many Colors with Dolly . I loved your version of that song!!! John had it on for me! Even though he'd never admit it I said a quick thank you as I got ready to watch you sing “Coat” You didn't though, singing She's Not Just A Pretty Face instead, just for me.....
I went to school the next day, and every day thereafter.
That was a hard fight coupled with my depression and Cerebral Palsy, but day after day I faced it. It amazes me that one song can do so much! It would not however be the last time life could only continue to the beat of one song, one small moment, that meant everything.
The next concert I went to of yours was on June 19th 2004, in Spokane Washington, with my mom and sister. My sister and I had been planning and saving money*we started out with pennies* to go to one of your concerts together a year before anybody knew anything about Up! We put everything in, We came 3 and a half hours early hoping to catch you, we made 4 signs , and shirts for each of us! Unfortunately nothing worked out... You were nowhere, and when the show began we were in the nose bleed section, and out of your site, to top everything off mom got sick and after the show was done and we'd waited for a taxi for 2 hours, we walked back to our hotel. Honestly though, the show was great and everything else that went awry just makes a good story, and while we were waiting on the taxi, you and your band both honked and waved at us,so though I had not reached my goal, we were still victors!
Of all the things I have fought in my life, fighting Myself is the worst. I remember wanting to be beautiful, like you. I stopped eating junk food and started exercising. for a year after the Spokane concert I was healthy and happy, until the summer. My mom who was pregnant with my youngest sister at the time, wouldn't let me do anything on my own, and was afraid to help because of the baby. I couldn't exercise, she wouldn't even let me get into bed without unneeded help. That was when I started hearing it, This little voice telling me I had to exercise. I started doing 55 push ups a day and eating less to account for my lack of activity. By summers end I was 110 pounds and happy again because when I went home I could eat more because I could work out, But I gained weight, 3 pounds scared me.
I became obsessed with not gaining the weight again...by the time I was admitted to the hospital 3 hours away from home I was 80 pounds and eating 400 calories a day and doing 3 hours of exercise. I was Anorexic and that was my life, I couldn't eat home made food, I was afraid of it, I was so consumed with calories and exercise that I couldn't think of anything else, so I didn't talk to anyone, not even my dad. You were even gone for a year until I turned my cd player on one night by chance, it was Up! I listened to She's Not Just a pretty Face and I Ain't Goin' Down. For that duration I told myself I could eat over and over and I tried, but when the songs were done I was afraid again, I listened to those two songs every night after that, and it kept happening the same way.
On February 16th 2006 I was admitted to the hospital, I was hysterical, my eyes were clamped shut, my fingers in my ears, and I was sobbing, “daddy, please take me home! I wanna go home,” again and again. The people at the hospital put us in a separate area away from the waiting room while they got my room ready,because I was so hysterical. I was given three choices, eat food, drink nutritional drink*called boost*or be fed through a tube. I ate half a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and fruit, all that I was given*because my stomach was so shrunken* that's when I started fighting,I had to get up, had to walk! My dad had to hold me to the bed until the nurse came in with medicine and told me it would make things better, I refused, at first.
Until I thought of you, for the briefest minute I remembered life before Anorexia. My dad used to talk to me, and I had my goal I'd set years before, I had to meet you, and if I continued on that path I would die,(meaning I was no more then a broken girl) I needed all the help I could get. I missed life.
When the pill took effect, it was as though everything was good again, I apologized for all that Anorexia made me do, I could talk to daddy, I ate and it was so beautiful not being afraid or guilty, and I remembered you. Over the next 3 weeks I struggled with wanting to leave because I felt good again and ate, feeling guilty when I saw children who were dieing thinking all I had to do was eat and I'd be fine, but not those kids they had no choice, and only being allowed to see my dad and aunt and not leaving my room. You kept me company, I would listen to your music all the time as I imagined meeting you. It seemed as though I had not heard from you forever and I spent my days thinking of all the great new music you must've made while I was ill..Not knowing when I would be allowed to leave and being afraid when I felt the medication wear off before I got a new dose you were my saving grace. I ate and in 3 weeks after many blood draws, early morning checks on vital signs, and tests I was allowed to start day treatment* kind of a school on figuring the cause of each persons sickness tools for managing and living with it*
I shut down in day treatment, I lived with my Aunts and saw my father 3 days a week. I was just alone and angry I was tired and so I retreated into myself to avoid all that I felt, the medication helped but it no longer made everything great..The only time I came back to reality was one night at dinner *our day ended with dinner* Since we were not allowed to talk about sports and food among other things we played twenty*million* questions, thinking of you I said I would go next, I thought of Timmins. though everyone knew I was a big fan, no one could guess Timmins! I became the 20* million *
questions champ it was my legacy!
16 days after I was put in day treatment it ended, not because I was well enough to begin out patient care, but because my father's insurance would not cover anymore. Because of my refusal to deal with my condition I came out scared and unprepared for the change.
Still I enrolled in high school in Portland. I graduated a year early in fact, and I mean not to sound snooty but the standards at the school were so low I finished all my work in advance and got bored. The teachers gave me busy work and I finished that * I always have had to get things done as fast and as well as possible* So with nothing to do I started going to the library and checking my favorite sites to see what you were up to!
to my dismay no news came of you, but I looked anyway, you are worth the wait! I got out of school and continued treatment, staggering through all the cold holidays,I hated the food and gatherings, feeling different and again out of place I had some very dangerous thoughts at the time, but I turned to your music and wrote my book.
Some how I made it through 2006 and put out my book! It was another effort to get your attention and let you know how special you are, I Autographed them all and sent them to my “Shania” friends round the world. I have one set aside for you. The book started strictly as an effort for me to leave evidence to the world of bashers that you are special as much because of who you are as what you do, but it became so much more, as I cried with it and fought with it and worked my butt off to pay for it.
When I payed for and picked up the copies I had printed it was one of very few victories I'd forged in my new life but I took it for all it's worth. I shared some of the poems at a local reading, and afterward was surrounded by people wanting more, for those short moments the year was forgiven and I had hope for 2007 and my undefeatable dream to meet you.
It has been nearly 8 years now that I have been trying to solidify this dream into my reality. As my Aunt Terry always says when something notable* good or bad* happens to her , “it's just another thing biographer can write about me.” My life has been full of those moments especially these past years, even only half way through, 2007 is no exception. My Grandmother died days after reading my book,the only time that truly let her see the depths of my heart. My yellow labs Snowball had to be put to sleep after 10 years with me, the night we found out she had colon cancer. While crossing the street at a crosswalk early this year I was hit by a car and thrown from my wheelchair, bringing me to more doctors,and a lawyer. Just Two weeks ago My newest dog Riley* a shelter dog, work in progress* pulled me out of my wheelchair, giving me my first serious head injury. I hit my head on the asphalt and was taken by ambulance to the ER to get staples.
Mixed with the other parts of myself that are a work in progress this year has been a doozy, but it is making me stronger. Even my worst days are brightened when I remind myself of what I have, despite all these things happening to me I am still here and with each one comes another reason to remember how fragile life is and how lucky I am. Somehow you are always here for me when I can't remember that, you can't always make me well, that is up to me. You do however, make me smile, give me strength, never doubt me, and in my darkest moments where there is no hope for me, you simpley sing me to sleep, giving me the chance at another sunrise.
Thank you,
Misty Nichols
thank you for your time:cry::love: and that is who I am
here's the letter:
Dear Shania,
What I really want is to be able to talk to you, to introduce myself, and have a nice talk.
I have so much to say, to ask. Though I believe if I work hard enough I will get the chance to say the most important part to you in person, I can't risk the probability that the most I can do is give you this, hopefully something you can draw confidence and strength from, knowing that there are so many who've taken their own journeys carrying you with them to help them climb their own mountains, keeping them on their way.
The first time I heard of you I thought that what I would hear would be some song so twang and sappy that it could be made into musical soup. I didn't say it to my friend as she pushed play, instead bracing myself in silence.
What I felt when I heard From This Moment On was beyond anything I can describe, it was beautiful, strong, and pure. I felt I had to meet you because anyone who can elicit that feeling from another person is someone I want to know.
I later told the same friend of my ambition and for a minute her less then enthusiastic response tore me apart, I am one girl from a small town out of millions of your fans, and I am in a wheelchair because I have Cerebral Palsy, the odds were clearly against me if I went to a concert of yours I'd be pretty lucky,I shouldn't set my heart on something that would undoubtedly let me down.
I know that she said what she did because she believed it, and thought it was illogical.
However, it was because of that response that I set my heart to it, I am tired of being defined by what I have *or don't*rather then who I am. Maybe I don't have a chance in hell. but I am going to exhaust all my options before I say I can't! I Could walk a mile in my walker but I never knew it until I took the steps.
You mean all of that and more, but perhaps more importantly you reinforced the idea that yes I can no matter what. You have this gift of finding strength anywhere and yet in those times when you show that other side that sheds tears, in it's beauty it is strong still. To say the least you have struck a cord, it is in no small part because of you that I strive to be my best and to live life as much as possible. And that is just the first time I heard you sing.
I was 11 then and By the end of the year I got a cd player for my birthday and Come On Over for Christmas*thanks Dad* I remember frantically clawing at the plastic on the case then trying to lift the CD out of it! I tried to hard and got a fingerprint on the back but nothing mattered, all the songs except the last played perfectly.
I now felt that with this new ambition I could do anything, even if the rest of the world was afraid that I was to fragile to do anything, I knew better and I was no longer afraid to prove it! For a year I listened to Come One Over endlessly, no other music anywhere gave me the feelings of acceptance and strength I needed, no other music could fill my deepest void. My parents have been divorced for as long as I can recall, my mom and I chat over the phone, and I talk with my little sister (I am one of 7 children). Every time I hang up the phone I feel so sad and alone. I see them for a few weeks in the summer, just long enough for me to love and leave. Trying to deal with wanting to stay but knowing it would be unsafe, loving my mother but fearing her, loving my dad, and most of all fighting an inner battle wanting to do what is best for my brothers and sisters for years it has torn me apart it's all I can do to cry to you,to blast the world away and just sing, to pray that my family wont get any more imperfections, and hope for a better day as you sing me to sleep.
My family never liked your music, but my parents have in their way supported my new dream despite that, my dad helped me buy The Woman In me just so I would give Come On Over a rest. My Mom painted a picture of you for me, there were a lot of mean things said about you but you can bet that I took the hits and defended you with pride! It wasn't until word got around at school that things got bad, people boo'd if I played your music or even brought it up and made fun of me, even when they knew your music meant the world to me and why.
Despite this I grew as a fan, fast. The more I learned about you the more I loved and when UP! came out I was ecstatic! I wanted a bedroom completely Shania'd, I was always collecting anything with you on it that I could get my hands on, and talking about you, the more Shania the better! In short you became what I lived for..... As Stupid as I feel it's true, living in the world is hard, living in a corner where harsh judgment and crushing criticism is constant and being alone in it is harder. But you made it bearable
Over the years this has only become more true, without you I would not be alive.
I was depressed in high school because I felt trapped people treated me as if I were unable to do anything and tried to do it for me without regard to my opinion or desire. At night I would cry and scream and think....seriously ....about suicide... I hated life.... Except when I saw you live. I drowned all the bad feelings and stood screaming and waving holding myself up with one hand. In Portland Oregon that night, I smiled from the bottom of my heart and that joy saved me.
On January 5th 2004 I had been shrinking back into my world of sadness for a while, when I got burned making lunch. It was a snow day, dad was at work, I spilled boiling water in my lap, I got to the bathroom and put an ice pack on each leg. The pain was so bad I had to have my brother carry me to my bed until my dad got home and took me to the ER. The burns were 2nd and 3rd degree, the doctor didn't want me to go to school until I got well but said it was up to me. they showed my dad how to dress the burns and said we had to redress them twice daily, gave me lots of pain killers, and sent me home.
Oprah! My brother had Oprah on when I got home. What in the hell??? I was lost ,until I saw your face, it was a rerun with you, Dolly Parton, and Melissa Ethridge where you sang Coat Of many Colors with Dolly . I loved your version of that song!!! John had it on for me! Even though he'd never admit it I said a quick thank you as I got ready to watch you sing “Coat” You didn't though, singing She's Not Just A Pretty Face instead, just for me.....
I went to school the next day, and every day thereafter.
That was a hard fight coupled with my depression and Cerebral Palsy, but day after day I faced it. It amazes me that one song can do so much! It would not however be the last time life could only continue to the beat of one song, one small moment, that meant everything.
The next concert I went to of yours was on June 19th 2004, in Spokane Washington, with my mom and sister. My sister and I had been planning and saving money*we started out with pennies* to go to one of your concerts together a year before anybody knew anything about Up! We put everything in, We came 3 and a half hours early hoping to catch you, we made 4 signs , and shirts for each of us! Unfortunately nothing worked out... You were nowhere, and when the show began we were in the nose bleed section, and out of your site, to top everything off mom got sick and after the show was done and we'd waited for a taxi for 2 hours, we walked back to our hotel. Honestly though, the show was great and everything else that went awry just makes a good story, and while we were waiting on the taxi, you and your band both honked and waved at us,so though I had not reached my goal, we were still victors!
Of all the things I have fought in my life, fighting Myself is the worst. I remember wanting to be beautiful, like you. I stopped eating junk food and started exercising. for a year after the Spokane concert I was healthy and happy, until the summer. My mom who was pregnant with my youngest sister at the time, wouldn't let me do anything on my own, and was afraid to help because of the baby. I couldn't exercise, she wouldn't even let me get into bed without unneeded help. That was when I started hearing it, This little voice telling me I had to exercise. I started doing 55 push ups a day and eating less to account for my lack of activity. By summers end I was 110 pounds and happy again because when I went home I could eat more because I could work out, But I gained weight, 3 pounds scared me.
I became obsessed with not gaining the weight again...by the time I was admitted to the hospital 3 hours away from home I was 80 pounds and eating 400 calories a day and doing 3 hours of exercise. I was Anorexic and that was my life, I couldn't eat home made food, I was afraid of it, I was so consumed with calories and exercise that I couldn't think of anything else, so I didn't talk to anyone, not even my dad. You were even gone for a year until I turned my cd player on one night by chance, it was Up! I listened to She's Not Just a pretty Face and I Ain't Goin' Down. For that duration I told myself I could eat over and over and I tried, but when the songs were done I was afraid again, I listened to those two songs every night after that, and it kept happening the same way.
On February 16th 2006 I was admitted to the hospital, I was hysterical, my eyes were clamped shut, my fingers in my ears, and I was sobbing, “daddy, please take me home! I wanna go home,” again and again. The people at the hospital put us in a separate area away from the waiting room while they got my room ready,because I was so hysterical. I was given three choices, eat food, drink nutritional drink*called boost*or be fed through a tube. I ate half a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and fruit, all that I was given*because my stomach was so shrunken* that's when I started fighting,I had to get up, had to walk! My dad had to hold me to the bed until the nurse came in with medicine and told me it would make things better, I refused, at first.
Until I thought of you, for the briefest minute I remembered life before Anorexia. My dad used to talk to me, and I had my goal I'd set years before, I had to meet you, and if I continued on that path I would die,(meaning I was no more then a broken girl) I needed all the help I could get. I missed life.
When the pill took effect, it was as though everything was good again, I apologized for all that Anorexia made me do, I could talk to daddy, I ate and it was so beautiful not being afraid or guilty, and I remembered you. Over the next 3 weeks I struggled with wanting to leave because I felt good again and ate, feeling guilty when I saw children who were dieing thinking all I had to do was eat and I'd be fine, but not those kids they had no choice, and only being allowed to see my dad and aunt and not leaving my room. You kept me company, I would listen to your music all the time as I imagined meeting you. It seemed as though I had not heard from you forever and I spent my days thinking of all the great new music you must've made while I was ill..Not knowing when I would be allowed to leave and being afraid when I felt the medication wear off before I got a new dose you were my saving grace. I ate and in 3 weeks after many blood draws, early morning checks on vital signs, and tests I was allowed to start day treatment* kind of a school on figuring the cause of each persons sickness tools for managing and living with it*
I shut down in day treatment, I lived with my Aunts and saw my father 3 days a week. I was just alone and angry I was tired and so I retreated into myself to avoid all that I felt, the medication helped but it no longer made everything great..The only time I came back to reality was one night at dinner *our day ended with dinner* Since we were not allowed to talk about sports and food among other things we played twenty*million* questions, thinking of you I said I would go next, I thought of Timmins. though everyone knew I was a big fan, no one could guess Timmins! I became the 20* million *
questions champ it was my legacy!
16 days after I was put in day treatment it ended, not because I was well enough to begin out patient care, but because my father's insurance would not cover anymore. Because of my refusal to deal with my condition I came out scared and unprepared for the change.
Still I enrolled in high school in Portland. I graduated a year early in fact, and I mean not to sound snooty but the standards at the school were so low I finished all my work in advance and got bored. The teachers gave me busy work and I finished that * I always have had to get things done as fast and as well as possible* So with nothing to do I started going to the library and checking my favorite sites to see what you were up to!
to my dismay no news came of you, but I looked anyway, you are worth the wait! I got out of school and continued treatment, staggering through all the cold holidays,I hated the food and gatherings, feeling different and again out of place I had some very dangerous thoughts at the time, but I turned to your music and wrote my book.
Some how I made it through 2006 and put out my book! It was another effort to get your attention and let you know how special you are, I Autographed them all and sent them to my “Shania” friends round the world. I have one set aside for you. The book started strictly as an effort for me to leave evidence to the world of bashers that you are special as much because of who you are as what you do, but it became so much more, as I cried with it and fought with it and worked my butt off to pay for it.
When I payed for and picked up the copies I had printed it was one of very few victories I'd forged in my new life but I took it for all it's worth. I shared some of the poems at a local reading, and afterward was surrounded by people wanting more, for those short moments the year was forgiven and I had hope for 2007 and my undefeatable dream to meet you.
It has been nearly 8 years now that I have been trying to solidify this dream into my reality. As my Aunt Terry always says when something notable* good or bad* happens to her , “it's just another thing biographer can write about me.” My life has been full of those moments especially these past years, even only half way through, 2007 is no exception. My Grandmother died days after reading my book,the only time that truly let her see the depths of my heart. My yellow labs Snowball had to be put to sleep after 10 years with me, the night we found out she had colon cancer. While crossing the street at a crosswalk early this year I was hit by a car and thrown from my wheelchair, bringing me to more doctors,and a lawyer. Just Two weeks ago My newest dog Riley* a shelter dog, work in progress* pulled me out of my wheelchair, giving me my first serious head injury. I hit my head on the asphalt and was taken by ambulance to the ER to get staples.
Mixed with the other parts of myself that are a work in progress this year has been a doozy, but it is making me stronger. Even my worst days are brightened when I remind myself of what I have, despite all these things happening to me I am still here and with each one comes another reason to remember how fragile life is and how lucky I am. Somehow you are always here for me when I can't remember that, you can't always make me well, that is up to me. You do however, make me smile, give me strength, never doubt me, and in my darkest moments where there is no hope for me, you simpley sing me to sleep, giving me the chance at another sunrise.
Thank you,
Misty Nichols
thank you for your time:cry::love: and that is who I am