dreamer
09-18-2007, 10:12pm
I was taking back bottles and cans to recycle and get the deposite back today, and when I came out soaked in beer,back-wash, and soda the sky was heavey with anguish,gray and depressed. I took my newly earned six Dollars and set it aside for my "Shania's Next Tour" fund. I have hope, not that it is justified, that I will go to nearly every if not every concert on her next tour, which will come soon enough. Unlike on the start of my trip I put my headphones on and turned on my MP3 player skipping to Home Ain't Where His Heart Is (Anymore) I could feel and hear life and passion in that song, which I rarely listen to, so I turned it up all the way and went with the groove.
I was having one of those moments as a fan where you realize why you fell in love with an artist, and it was all I could do to not think of her "fans" leaving her. I have been depressed the last few days when I go to Shania websites and hear how she is hurting her career*which I must say the wait is killing me too* from fans. I heard so many people saying they thought Shania wasn't happy as an artist and it made my stomach churn. Was I never going to hear Shania like I heard her sing "God Bless The Child" even if she did come back "soon?" I thought of last night when this concept of Shania's down right displeasure and the droves of fans leaving her made me so sick I crawled in bed, played "she's Not Just a Pretty Face, and I Ain't Goin Down and prayed to god that She wasn't truly unhappy and that if She was, maybe I could Share with her the power her music had given me maybe I could help her find her nyche again. Even though I am not sure where I Stand on the Idea of god, I prayed until my head ached and I fell asleep thinking "if there is one thing I need in my life from you, it isn't a cure fore Cerebral Palsy or A million dollars to pay for all the doctors I see, God, please don't let Shania dissapper from my life not Now."
I was Brought back to the present with a feeling from my past. I could feel Myself back in the small town of Hermiston, getting in my dads truck freezing at 60 degrees wearing 3 layers. Happy, in a sort of not really but at least not super unhappy way. I could feel myself wondering if dad would catch me throwing away my snack that day, fear and hopelessness, tears that I crield because my insides hurt and my outsides hurt, bone on skin. I wanted to end it but The voice kept making me do those horrible things. Exercising for 3 hours not eating more then 450 calories a day.My body ached, I was always freezing, food was frightening deep down to my core.It didn't matter that my organs were being consumed by my body for nutrients according to a specialist, or that my period stoped, or even that no one, not even daddy, could so much as look at me.
I had Dropped from existance and mutated into this moster with dried dead Skin and bones so close against it I couldn't sit because of the pain, My hair was falling out and my skin was yellow. I had stopped talking and listened to NPR all the time.
I didn't even eat real food anymore living of 300 calorie healthy choice meals and reduced sugar instant oatmeal.
I phased back into reality and time for a split second and into Shania wispering "Secrets" on the Celine Dion song "if Walls Could Talk"* I have it on there for Shania's backing Vocals and the fact that Mutt helped write it* I crossed the street falling into Shania's passion and lost myself there.
The only Time I thought of Shania was after all my exercise and "eating" was done and I was alone in my room looking at a poster I made of her when I was happy, I stared at it for hours in silence after My homework was done, but it never really registered, I was as cold and alone and trapped as the wall it was tacked up on, and I Just wanted out.
As Oblivious and cold hearted as I had become, I wanted to live. Deep down somewhere where the happy girl who made the Shania Clippings poster was, I wanted to go let her free. I took the smallest step I could and turned on my cd player so I wouldn't be alone, I didn't know what cd was in because it had been so long but anything was better then silence and NPR had instumental music at night . I needed a voice.
When the number of tracks showed even I had to smile, it was Shania's UP! CD. I couldn't bring myself to pick a track to listen to, it was all so upbeat and I Just didn't feel that hopeful. I skipped through the tracks and pushed play with my eyes shut.
I Listened to "Not Just A Pretty Face" and felt my hope flicker. When it was over I needed something else, and again went through the tracks randomly pushing play. Within the time that "I ain't going down" played I believed I could eat, a whole half a tuna sandwich, without mirical Whip. I was so sure, until the song ended. But for the first time I had hope that maybe tommorrow wouldn't be so bad. Dieing wasn't the only way out. Maybe tommorrow I could eat.
I never did eat, and got sicker to the point I was forcable hospitalized and made to eat. After that First meal my father had to hold me to the bed as I yelled and sobbed to keep me from exercising. When The nurse asked me to take a pill, I did for two reasons, My dad, and Shania.
I could see the sky and taste the air and hear the people, I was alive, I was Misty, and I was truly home. As I crossed the street and went into the Alley of my home I thought again of the unrest with Shania's fans. I know She's alive, and today I saw pictures of her smiling and I am thankful. I Still want new music from her so bad it hurts and the chance to thank her for walking with me through my hell. But waiting doesn't seem so hard to do anymore
I was having one of those moments as a fan where you realize why you fell in love with an artist, and it was all I could do to not think of her "fans" leaving her. I have been depressed the last few days when I go to Shania websites and hear how she is hurting her career*which I must say the wait is killing me too* from fans. I heard so many people saying they thought Shania wasn't happy as an artist and it made my stomach churn. Was I never going to hear Shania like I heard her sing "God Bless The Child" even if she did come back "soon?" I thought of last night when this concept of Shania's down right displeasure and the droves of fans leaving her made me so sick I crawled in bed, played "she's Not Just a Pretty Face, and I Ain't Goin Down and prayed to god that She wasn't truly unhappy and that if She was, maybe I could Share with her the power her music had given me maybe I could help her find her nyche again. Even though I am not sure where I Stand on the Idea of god, I prayed until my head ached and I fell asleep thinking "if there is one thing I need in my life from you, it isn't a cure fore Cerebral Palsy or A million dollars to pay for all the doctors I see, God, please don't let Shania dissapper from my life not Now."
I was Brought back to the present with a feeling from my past. I could feel Myself back in the small town of Hermiston, getting in my dads truck freezing at 60 degrees wearing 3 layers. Happy, in a sort of not really but at least not super unhappy way. I could feel myself wondering if dad would catch me throwing away my snack that day, fear and hopelessness, tears that I crield because my insides hurt and my outsides hurt, bone on skin. I wanted to end it but The voice kept making me do those horrible things. Exercising for 3 hours not eating more then 450 calories a day.My body ached, I was always freezing, food was frightening deep down to my core.It didn't matter that my organs were being consumed by my body for nutrients according to a specialist, or that my period stoped, or even that no one, not even daddy, could so much as look at me.
I had Dropped from existance and mutated into this moster with dried dead Skin and bones so close against it I couldn't sit because of the pain, My hair was falling out and my skin was yellow. I had stopped talking and listened to NPR all the time.
I didn't even eat real food anymore living of 300 calorie healthy choice meals and reduced sugar instant oatmeal.
I phased back into reality and time for a split second and into Shania wispering "Secrets" on the Celine Dion song "if Walls Could Talk"* I have it on there for Shania's backing Vocals and the fact that Mutt helped write it* I crossed the street falling into Shania's passion and lost myself there.
The only Time I thought of Shania was after all my exercise and "eating" was done and I was alone in my room looking at a poster I made of her when I was happy, I stared at it for hours in silence after My homework was done, but it never really registered, I was as cold and alone and trapped as the wall it was tacked up on, and I Just wanted out.
As Oblivious and cold hearted as I had become, I wanted to live. Deep down somewhere where the happy girl who made the Shania Clippings poster was, I wanted to go let her free. I took the smallest step I could and turned on my cd player so I wouldn't be alone, I didn't know what cd was in because it had been so long but anything was better then silence and NPR had instumental music at night . I needed a voice.
When the number of tracks showed even I had to smile, it was Shania's UP! CD. I couldn't bring myself to pick a track to listen to, it was all so upbeat and I Just didn't feel that hopeful. I skipped through the tracks and pushed play with my eyes shut.
I Listened to "Not Just A Pretty Face" and felt my hope flicker. When it was over I needed something else, and again went through the tracks randomly pushing play. Within the time that "I ain't going down" played I believed I could eat, a whole half a tuna sandwich, without mirical Whip. I was so sure, until the song ended. But for the first time I had hope that maybe tommorrow wouldn't be so bad. Dieing wasn't the only way out. Maybe tommorrow I could eat.
I never did eat, and got sicker to the point I was forcable hospitalized and made to eat. After that First meal my father had to hold me to the bed as I yelled and sobbed to keep me from exercising. When The nurse asked me to take a pill, I did for two reasons, My dad, and Shania.
I could see the sky and taste the air and hear the people, I was alive, I was Misty, and I was truly home. As I crossed the street and went into the Alley of my home I thought again of the unrest with Shania's fans. I know She's alive, and today I saw pictures of her smiling and I am thankful. I Still want new music from her so bad it hurts and the chance to thank her for walking with me through my hell. But waiting doesn't seem so hard to do anymore