The Bonehead Awards

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards


Maybe it wasn't the nature of the wine but the whine itself.

Bonehead award one goes to a UK man who is demanding compensation from
the Aylesford, Kent Safeway supermarket because, he claims, a bottle
of wine he bought at the store ruined his love life. He says his date
didn't like the wine and so left early, never to be seen again. Our
deeply intuitive nature thinks that we know enough about him to know
it wasn't the wine.

And bonehead award two goes to another UK man who filed a complaint
with the same Safeway store claiming that their curry, which he ate
along with 12 pints of lager and a bottle of red wine, made him sick.

The store receives 120,000 calls per year.

UK Sun 9-Feb-02



------------------------



Why the police like their perps to wear hot pants.

Bonehead award three goes to a Tallahassee, Florida man who, when
caught by police taking a pee in public, pulled up his pants, put his
cigarette into his pocket and starting running off until his pants
ignited, leaving behind a trail of smoke and ashes, according to
police who say they caught him when his pants fell down and tripped
him.

Tallahassee Democrat 19-Feb-02
http://www.tallahassee.com/mld/tallahassee/2699095.htm



What's love got to do with it? From the Valentine's Day lover's spat
files.

Bonehead award four goes to a Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, woman who,
disappointed that she didn't get the marriage proposal on Valentine's
Day that she was expecting, stabbed her boyfriend below the ear. He
was treated for a minor wound and released.

We guess it was either cupid's arrow of sweetie pumpkin's knife.

Channel 5 KOCO News (15-Feb-02)
http://www.channeloklahoma.com/okl/news/stories/news-123817520020215-1
40238.html
or
http://shorterlink.com/?1KABCS


--------------------------


Blast those stains away!

Bonehead award five goes to a Dutch man who left his house without a
roof and windows when he decided to remove grease stains from his
jumper the man's way, by using a lot of gasoline on the stain, and
then throwing it into the washing machine. The gasoline reacted with
the detergent causing a massive explosion. He wasn't hurt.

De Volkskrant (Dutch) via Ananova 19-Feb-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_524641.html

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HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe police departments are lean, mean
machines. But there is way too much "mean" in the machine.

Two teenage girls, one just 15-years-old and the other just 16, in
separate incidents, at different times, jailed overnight by Cape
Breton regional police in Canada, were forced to appear in court the
next day in BLOOD-SOAKED jeans because, despite asking repeatedly for
tampons or sanitary pads when their periods began, the police refused
to provide them, choosing instead to embarrass and humiliate the
girls.

Halifax Herald 18-Feb-02
http://www.herald.ns.ca/stories/2002/02/18/f197.raw.html




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

************************************************** ******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Our favorite headlines:

TALKING FRENCH FRY SAVES WOMAN'S LIFE!

NEW SUPERBUS POWERED BY HUMAN GAS!

-- Both from Weekly World News


And this one, pertaining to an article about a University of
California male sexuality course, suspended by the University when the
students and tutors took part in a class-related orgy at a strip club:

SEX CLASS DROPPED AT 'UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNICATION'

-- An Ananova headline.


--------------------------------------------------


Great moments in advertising.

Our Bonehead News Network New York correspondent found a New Zealand
ad for Proctosedyl, a medication meant to do something about one's
itchy butt, which comes with a "scratchable panel" where the sun don't
shine but the butt do itch. If you're itching to see the ad click
this:

http://www.mccann.co.nz/htmdocs/procto.html

The ad won a New Zealand Advertising Effectiveness Award and numerous
international awards for its creativity. We don't know if the
medication per se is successful in what it's supposed to do, but the
add increased sales by 10%.



************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

My ex-husband, for our first Christmas, bought me a pair of stockings
from Fogel (very expensive stocking shop). But as I opened the
package he said that I could take them back as he really didn't like
them very much but it was all he could find since he didn't bother
going shopping until Christmas eve. Yes, he said every last word.

[razorbac]

:funny: :funny: i heard these already :p

[SHANIANUTS!]

Originally posted by razorbac
:funny: :funny: i heard these already :p What about the rest of you?

Would you like this as a reoccurring thread?

[razorbac]

well you want to know where
www.nakednews.com

[SHANIANUTS!]

Originally posted by razorbac
well you want to know where
www.nakednews.com jimmie - that is 1 nutty site - they were hard to close - yuk - i get mine daily via a digest from a friend in MI- my question to members is would they like to see this daily?

[razorbac]

oh you have seen it?

[SHANIANUTS!]

THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow THREE Bonehead Awards

Bonehead award one goes to the Brazilian government for:

1. Issuing orders to all prisons to shoot, and then ask questions
later, at any helicopter attempting to land in a jail, owing to a
recent jailbreak that used a helicopter

2. Instructing police to take a group of prisoners, by helicopter, to
Hortolandia prison, under a secret operation, that was so secret that
prison officials were not to be informed that they would be coming.

Result?

Prison guards began firing on the police helicopter as it came in for
a landing. Nobody was hurt, fortunately, but the helicopter had to
make an emergency landing after being hit.

Jornal da Tarde (Brazil) via Ananova 6-Feb-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_514616.html


-----------------------------------------


Bonehead award two goes to the Mead Gallery in Coventry in Britain
for, what it calls a "witty presentation about the value of art and
materials," that includes, among the exhibits, such wonderful art
creations as a standard black plastic rubbish bin garbage bag, with
some air in it, placed in the middle of the floor and a plain piece of
white paper.

The gallery has had to post "Do not throw away" signs on some of the
"art work" because, apparently, there are some uncultured people who
cannot discern such fine high value artistic creations from ordinary
rubbish.

UK Sun 6-Feb-02


Bonehead award three goes to an Italian drug smuggler who tried hiding
400 grams of cocaine inside his shampoo bottle which police quickly
honed into as something worth checking the contents of because the man
who was carrying it was completely bald.

La Rebubblica (Italy) via Ananova (UK) 1-Feb-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_510070.html




*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe justice is only in the extremes.
Moderation and reasonableness is unacceptable.

CONSIDER THIS CASE:

Reader Damian Glenny (thanks, Damian!) sent me a story about a
Christchurch, New Zealand businessman, with a history of pedophile
behavior, who tried to hire a 12-year-old girl for sex. The judge
gave him:

· A fine equal to only half ($2,500) what he was willing to pay her
for sex, and

· Granted PERMANENT NAME SUPPRESSION so as not to hurt his employer
who is being affected by the bad economy, also making it impossible
for other victims to step forward against him

The Press (New Zealand) 29-Jan-02
<http://stuff.co.nz/inl/index/0,1008,1083265a11,FF.html>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?Q5912546


****


COMPARE TO THIS CASE:


While a pedophile gets off with a slap on the wrist, a woman in
Peoria, Arizona, while holding her daughter in her arms, was suddenly
approached by three police officers who yelled at her to put her
daughter down, who then handcuffed her, arrested her and threw her in
jail because her husband, having been injured, had not removed the
Christmas lights around their house within the required 19 days.

Arizona Republic 28-Jun-01
<http://www.arizonarepublic.com/news/articles/0128lights28.html>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?Z5A11346


AND THIS:

A man in Lisbon, Iowa, who found a .22 caliber bullet, put the bullet
in a box in his room, and left it there until it was found by police
when they searched his home for things his ex-girlfriend said he had
that were hers. He possessed no weapon. He just had one bullet.

Punishment?

He will serve 15 years in jail for the crime of having a bullet. The
judge, while calling the sentence extreme, said that Federal laws tied
his hands because the man was arrested before, even though for crimes
where no weapons were used.

He had the wrong life strategy. He should have taken a job with an
economically shaky company and then he should have gone prowling for
victims.

Des Moines Register (21-Jan-02) via http://www.overlawyered.com
<http://desmoinesregister.com/news/stories/c5917686/16969333.html>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?J1B14246

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow THREE Bonehead Awards


According to humor columnist, Dave Barry, "We Americans tend to
assume that the British are more intelligent than we are, because they
speak with British accents. That's why we need to know about the
Turner Prize." The Turner Prize is an esteemed award giving in the
UK for art achievement.

But before you go and read Dave Barry's very funny piece on the Turner
prize (Thanks Autymn for finding this!) we have to set the stage by
awarding a "This ain't art," bonehead award to the Ikon Gallery in
Birmingham, UK, which, using public funding, has paid for an "art
exhibit," which is nothing more than a constantly repeating video tape
of ten Cuban men masturbating. It leaves nothing to the imagination.

And what says the city's licensing committee?

One member, who says she's calling in the police, states, "No one
wants to say this kind of thing is rubbish because they want to sound
arty but I'm not afraid to say it."

And what says the gallery?

They say it's a serious attempt to convey the impact that the sex
trade had on the lives of ordinary people..

Sorry, we lost interest.

The Times (London) 25-Feb-02
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/printFriendly/0,,1-2-218138,00.html
or
http://shorterlink.com/?KVVLTP


Now that you get the idea, you're ready to read Dave Barry's funny
commentary on the UK's Turner award:
http://www.freep.com/voices/columnists/nbarry17_20020217.htm
or
http://shorterlink.com/?K9UHUN




------------------------



Bonehead award two is a "hey everyone! Look what I did!," bonehead
award.

"These are not things that the township normally buys. These are not
road materials."

Comment made by Richland, Pennsylvania, Police Chief Stuart Woods when
explaining that the town treasurer's decision to charge to a town
credit card both the underwear she bought at Victoria's Secret and a
membership at LA Weight Loss were the tip-offs that she was embezzling
town money.

All in all, she is accused of spending $231,000 of town money since
1999.

Reuters 20-Feb-02


-----------------------------------------------------


Thanks, Chris Boerma, for being the first to send me this next story.

Big Idiot Bonehead award three goes to Los Angeles, California school
district official, Jim Konantz, who, in response to the pulling from a
Los Angeles public school library nearly 300 copies of a book on the
Muslim religion that describes Jews as "illiterates who reject
knowledge," announced that the books may be back after he determines
whether there is research to support that Jews are "illiterates who
reject knowledge."

The books, donated by a Muslim foundation, encourage children to adopt
Muslim names, wear Muslim clothes and play "jihad" dice games.

NewsMax 9-Feb-02
http://www.newsmax.com/showinsidecover.shtml?a=2002/2/9/215024


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HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
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In the Evil Parallel Universe, acts of extreme kindness are the
containing borders.

We have to honor that AA (Automobile Association) employees in the UK
who, when called to Dave Spencer's broken down car, six miles from his
home, even though their only requirement under his membership terms
was to get him home, decided instead to arrange a relay of drivers to
take him 320 miles so he could see his mother before she passed away.

Patrolman Jon Sobey organized the relay team and Jim Tarling and Roy
Widowfield drove for eight hours.

"They were wonderful. I am eternally grateful. The AA went far
beyond the call of duty," says Spencer.

UK Sun 21-Feb-02



************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


"I wouldn't be happy if I'd paid pounds 10 to see a performance only
to find there was a pole in the way."

Uh huh.

Statement made by a Scottish government councilor explaining why the
entire licensing committee decided, probably with no debate, except
perhaps for some giggling, to arrange to see a private showing at a
lap-dancing bar before granting a license just to make sure,
presumably, that customers have proper visibility.

Want to take bets on how many violations they'll find, and need to
verify as having been fixed, before they grant the license?

Scottish Daily Record 21-Feb-01


-------------------------------------



Thought there were already museums about everything? After all, we've
had stories about museums displaying gross things from the human body,
museums displaying all sorts of animal poop and a museum that puts
preserved penises on display. Now we have the "Sex Machine Museum" in
Prague. And the city is none too happy about it either. But the
curator insists it's cultural.

At the museum you can see the "dick tree" and "The Throne" which
toured only the finest brothels in 19th-century France and was used
for "group games."

And what says the deputy mayor who tried unsuccessfully to close the
museum?

"I would rather have a flower shop there."

The Prague Post 20-Feb-02
http://www.praguepost.com/20220news6.html



************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

For each benchmark occasion in the 11 years of marriage, my husband
would buy me camping equipment! One year I would receive a Coleman
stove, the next I would get a propane heater etc... I don't even like
camping!

This year I told him if he bought me camping equipment, I would know
that he wanted a divorce! What did I get for Christmas this
year..........Gold earrings and a bracelet! Do you think he got the
message? Maybe next year he will buy me new sleeping bag, depends I
guess on how well the year goes! LOL

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FIVE Bonehead Awards


They didn't care beans about the beans.

It's rare to give a person two bonehead awards in a week.

Bonehead award one goes, again, to Barry Colbert of Moon Lake Florida,
the man who we previously gave a bonehead award to for letting his
7-year-old son drive the family car, until stopped by another car's
fender. It was a reward for completing chores and homework.

Concerned that the two children in his household (the 7-year-old boy
and his 3-year-old brother) were not being provided with appropriate
nutrition, among other things, police investigators paid Colbert a
visit. To prove his case, Colbert opened a cupboard to show them rice
and beans but ended up not only showing them that the food he bought
three years ago which was two years beyond expiration, but he also
unwittingly showed them his bong pipe (used for smoking marijuana).

And what says Colbert about this blunder?

"I was like, 'Oh, Christ. This is it. I'm going to jail.' "

And what did Colbert tell the police about the bong?

He said he told police he never used it. "We don't do that. I just
roll them up and go outside and smoke them."

And what says Colbert about why he has three year old rice and beans?

"I made sure we were all going to be OK if this Y2K thing came along,"

The two children were removed from the home and placed into shelters.

St. Petersburg Times 22-Feb-02
<http://www.sptimes.com/2002/02/22/Pasco/Father_arrested_on_dr.shtml>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?YWRHKB


--------------------------------------------------

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a convicted sex offender who, running from police in Florida, fled
into the Maine woods for three days, got frostbite, lost a few toes
and is now planning to SUE THE MAINE POLICE for not arresting him
quickly enough.

"If the detective had done his job, I wouldn't be in here now," says
Harvey Taylor.

Bangor Daily News (Bangor, Maine) 27-Feb-02
<http://www.bangornews.com/editorialnews/article.html?ID=51748&town=Ba
ngor&byline=Mary%20AnneLagasse&cname=Statewide&section=City&tt=9PM>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?7KTD3P


------------------------

He needed to do this like he needed a hole in his head.
Bonehead award three goes to a Fitchburg, Massachusetts man who held a
.38 caliber pistol to his head by the barrel and told a friend, "Shoot
me, shoot me," which his friend did. Being of little brain, it is no
surprise that the bullet passed through his skull without hitting it.
And now he's been arrested for unlawful possession of a firearm. His
"friend" was sentenced to two year's probation for assault and battery
for pulling the trigger.

Worcester Telegram & Gazette (Worcester, MA) 20-Feb-02



================================================== =======

Bonehead award four goes to a participant of the North Otago, New
Zealand, Horticultural Society's summer flower, plant and produce show
whose winning plant, that was supposed to be raised with personal
loving, tender care, by the entrant, was disqualified when the judges
noticed that the flower shop's price tag was still on the bottom of
the plant.

New Zealand Press Association via The New Zealand Herald 26-Feb-02
<http://www.nzherald.co.nz/storydisplay.cfm?storyID=1040279&thesection
=news&thesubsection=general>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?18VJXM


------------------------------------



Sometimes it's good to look toward leaders to set examples, other
times it's best to run and hide.

Bonehead award five goes to a senior councilor in Milton Keynes, UK,
responsible for EDUCATION, for sending a letter, in response to a
local query, which contained 17 mistakes and incomprehensible and
redundant statements such as:

"The council has stated that education and adult social care are its
two main budgatry (sic) priorities and regrettably at this time which
is discretionary service is not considered by the council to be a
priority at this time,"

and

"Whilst the reduction in the grant to leisure trusts is regrettable
and something we have not chosen to do lightly, clerarly (sic)
difficult decisions have had to be made and as I stated earlier
difficult decisions have had to be made."

And what says, appropriately put it would seem, councilor Mick Legg
about his letter?

"It is an error that has gone badly wrong."

Hmm.

Milton Keynes Citizen (Milton Keynes, UK) 15-Feb-02




*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe, you can be too sick to get an
ambulance.

A 60-year-old Kyoto, Japan man survived two days after having a
stroke, all alone in his home, despite having repeatedly called the
medical emergency number, because dispatchers didn't believe him
because the stroke was causing his speech to be slurred.

He is now suing the Kyoto Municipal Government for about 4 million yen
(about $30,000).

"I made repeated calls but was ignored for two days," he says. "I was
dying alone and the anxiety I felt was the worst in my life."

He was taken to the hospital only after a neighbor saw him trying to
drag himself out of his home. He has survived but is now partially
disabled.

Mainichi Shimbun (Japan) 25-Feb-02
http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/news/20020225p2a00m0dm014000c.html



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


When scientists have a sense of humor.

The following has been taken verbatim from New Scientist:

ALEC JEFFREYS and his colleagues at the University of Leicester have
published several important papers on population genetics. Their big
idea is to investigate the human population by collecting sperm
samples and looking at the DNA. In the group's papers--published over
the past five or so years in such prestigious places as Nature
Genetics, Molecular Cell and Human Molecular Genetics--they head up
their acknowledgements by thanking a person called Jane Blower "for
supplying semen samples".

Feedback [New Scientist] wouldn't dare to interfere by asking Jeffreys
and co if Jane Blower really exists . . . but we do wonder whether the
same question ever occurred to the editors of the worthy publications
their work appears in. And if not, why not?


---------------------------------------------


Designer babies.

A controversy has been brewing in the UK over whether it is legal and
ethical for a couple, whose two year-old-son has a potentially fatal
blood disorder, to choose an embryo for their next child whose genetic
make-up would assure that that child's bone marrow would be a match
for his older brother who is likely some day to need the bone marrow
transplant to save his life.

The courts have ruled that they may go ahead and choose such an
embryo, under protest by some religious groups who feel that allowing
this choice, even if it means their son's life if they don't, sets a
dangerous precedent and is akin to playing God. We wonder if saving
the older boy's life by choosing the appropriate embryo is akin to
playing human and letting him die akin to playing God?

It is hoped that the pregnancy will begin in May.

There is a 1 in 16 chance of finding a suitable embryo in the first
batch. The couple will go ahead with the pregnancy even if none of
the embryos are suitable.

Scottish Daily Record 25-Feb-02


And here in the United States is another case of a woman who is likely
doomed to develop early onset Alzheimer's within 10 years owing to a
genetic defect who has had an embryo selected because it is free of
the disease. The baby is now 18 months old and is doing fine.


Reuters via Yahoo News 26-Feb-02
<http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=585&u=/nm/20020226/sc
_nm/health_genetics_dc_1>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?6O9DOS





************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

This is NOT male bashing. This section was created when we presented
a study that found that while women generally spend weeks selecting
presents and even weeks thinking about wrapping paper, it was not
unlikely for men to think about a gift for just 5 minutes or to just
buy either the same gift each year or buy something outlandish. We
invited women to submit their stories. The archive now contains over
200 unpublished stories from women, and a few from men. Here's
today's story:


In 95 I received a cigarette rolling machine because, and I quote, "I
am tired of you spending so much money just to kill yourself. This way
if you have to smoke, you have to work at it." I threw the roller and
him out my front door and that was the end of our blissful
relationship.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards


How to rob stupid people. When I snap my fingers, you will be even
stupider.

Bonehead award one goes a Chilean woman who heeded her faith healer's
advice for improving her sense of self-worth by carrying her life
savings around with her and who has now reported to the police that
the faith healer, who can no longer be located, took her money. She
says when she awoke from being hypnotized, she realized the money (and
the faith healer) had disappeared.

Apparently, the prayer and spell sessions, at which the faith healer
would boil an egg in the victim's urine, did not raise any red flags
for this woman.

Ananova 12-Feb-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_519359.html


-----------------------------------------


Bonehead award two goes to a Romanian man who fell asleep while
listening to a telephone sex line, running up a bill of about $1,400,
equivalent to a year's pay in Romania.

He says he won't pay because the line was boring. He faces jail if he
refuses to pay.

Ananova (12-Feb-02)
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_519151.html

~*~*~*~

A South African man in Braamfisherville was electrocuted during an
attempt to steal a power cable when he cut through the live wire using
wire cutters, according to police who say he died instantly.

South African Press Association via The Independents (South Africa)
9-Feb-02
<http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=15&art_id=qw1013257081997B265
&set_id=1>
Or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?P25C5496



---------------------------------------


And one more thing you forgot about. I'm an idiot.

Bonehead award four, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award,"
goes to a Manassas, Virginia man who, after his conviction and death
sentence for a brutal rape and murder was overturned by the Supreme
court on a technicality, and believing he could not, therefore, be
tried again for a capital crime carrying a death penalty, sent an
obnoxious, taunting letter to the state's attorney, explaining what
evidence they missed, and admitting to other crimes surrounding the
incident and is now back on trial for murder which carries the death
penalty.

Sometime justice does prevail.

Potamac News (Virginia) 4-Dec-01
<http://www.potomacnews.com/news/archive/MGBTEUBATUC.html>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?H26C3296



================================================== =======


*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************


In the Evil Parallel Universe it's difficult to fight crime because
law enforcement people do not think anything is a serious offense.

Bongani Magubane, the Westville, South Africa, Prison Parole Board
head shocked court listeners when he stated that he didn't believe
that child abuse is a serious offence. And so he felt that a man,
imprisoned since 1999 for molesting his own daughter over a period of
several years, should be released from jail.

Daily News (South Africa) via The Independent (South Africa) 29-Jan-02
<http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=15&art_id=ct20020129094056727
C435399&set_id=1>
Or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?E64C2196



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******

Roy Rivenburg, in his "Off Kilter" column (http://www.offkilter.org)
decided that as the "Hope I die before I get old" generation is
getting old, that it's time to change the titles of some of the
popular baby-boomer song titles to make them more suitable to the
aging.

Then the The Edge column in the Oregonian added a few more updates.

And then we did nothing at all, not wanting to put any effort into thi
s, but reap the benefits of everyone else's efforts. Here are a few
updated titles:


THE BEATLES:
- "I get by with a little help from Depends"

STEELY DAN:
- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

THE ROLLING STONES:
- "Angie-oplasty"
- "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
- "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (But I Can't Hear It)"

CREEDENCE CLEAR-WATER REVIVAL:
- "Bad Prune Rising"

MARVIN GAYE:
- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

THE WHO:
- "Talkin' 'bout my medication..."

THE TROGGS:
- "Bald Thing"

HERMAN'S HERMITS:
- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"




************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

My husband wanted to get me a diamond ring. I am not a flashy person
who likes a lot of jewelry and I didn't really want him to spend the
kind of money that he was talking about on something that I wasn't
going to wear. I protested. So I got a 12-gauge shotgun. hmmmm!!
should have kept my mouth shut

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR bonehead awards.


Bonehead award one goes to the deputies at the Arapahoe County Jail in
Colorado for placing a 16-year-old girl into a holding cell, for 40
minutes, with a man being held on $10 million bond for sexually
assaulting a teenage girl and who is suspected in 2 other sexual
assaults and who is a convicted pedophile. Gerald DeWayne Lewis, 34,
allegedly took advantage of the new opportunity to fondle the girl.

The deputies thought they put her into an empty cell and hadn't
noticed that Lewis, 34, was sleeping under the bed, which is a common
practice for detainees escaping the lights and noise of the holding
area.

Denver Post 6-Mar-02
http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1002,53%257E444450,00.html
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?Z1C03608


---------------------------------------


"We know footballers haven't got a reputation for being bright, but we
can't work out how he couldn't recognize his own bag."

Comment made by a French police officer after a plane with 46
passengers and a crew o f 5 was forced to make a landing at Gatwick
airport because, after repeated and frantic requests by the flight
crew for the owner of a bag left in the aisle to identify themselves,
there were no takers.

Ultimately the bag was found to belong to a soccer star onboard the
flight, United winger Laurent Robert.

And what say the police?

"The officers involved were angry at the delay and told Laurent in no
uncertain terms, in English and French."

Scottish Daily Record 28-Feb-02


Why it's important for marketing majors to take science.

Bonehead award three goes to the Global Crossing company for
advertising their "fast, secure, seamless global network," in New
Media Age by touting that it "transmits data at speeds that
practically break the sound barrier." This means that a data packet
going from London to New York will take about 4 1/2 hours to be
delivered. We are not impressed.

New Scientist

------------------------------------------

Oh chute. Now what did I get myself into?

Bonehead award four goes to a Stockholm man who, wanting to retrieve a
sweater his wife tossed out, decided to go down the garbage chute, all
the way to the basement, and retrieve it. But he got stuck between
two floors. His wife tried lowering knotted bed sheets down the
chute, but it didn't work. He was removed by the fire brigade

He was taken down to the basement, where after they unlocked the
doors, he retrieved his "now filthy sweater."

Reuters via The Independent (South Africa) 1-Mar-02
<http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=29&art_id=qw1015001640869B235
&set_id=1>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?J4A02108



============================================

*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In The Evil Parallel Universe, politicians trying to look good pass
laws that sound good, but reap havoc.

A New Hampshire state law requiring the arrest of anyone ACCUSED (note
the word "accused") of violating a protective order, resulted in
Farmington, New Hampshire, police having no choice but to arrest, and
haul down to the station to be placed in a cell, a blind, ill,
wheelchair ridden man who requires frequent kidney dialysis treatments
because his ex-wife says he made harassing phone calls to her.

Police had to wait three hours for an appropriate ambulance to arrive
to take him to jail, which then refused him because of potential
liability. All in all, police spent 16 hours trying to comply with
the cockamamie law that does not permit any discretion by police or
judges in complying with the law.

And what says Lt. Kevin Willey?

"I'm upset and disappointed with the lack of foresight of the
Legislature," Willey said. "Conceivably, his health could have been
placed in jeopardy because of the statute." He wants town officials
to ask the Legislature to amend the law.

"The Legislature needs to put the discretion back in the hands of the
police, prosecutors and judges," he said. "When the law was written it
was well-intentioned. We are big supporters of victims' rights, but we
have to balance the rights of the accused."

Union Leader (Manchester, NH) 25-Feb-02
http://unionleader.com/articles_show.html?article=9135 via
http://www.overlawyered.com



************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Poisonous zucchini???

The Vegetable and Potato Growers' Federation of New Zealand is being
accused of hiding a problem with poisonous zucchinis they say has made
at least 14 people sick. It's found in those zucchinis that are
"incredibly" bitter and it could cause long-lasting harm.

The poison, cucurbitacin, naturally occurs in zucchinis and is used by
the plant to ward off insects. But bad weather can make it reach
dangerous levels.

The scientific report from the Institute of Environmental Research,
sent to growers and retailers, asking that the information not be made
public, states that people should not eat zucchini if the first bite
is bitter. "Fortunately their awful taste is so intense (people) are
likely to be repulsed by it at very much lower concentrations that
will cause lasting harm."

The Dominion (New Zealand) via Stuff.co.nz 1-Mar-02
http://www.stuff.co.nz/inl/index/0,1008,1119523a11,FF.html



************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

My best friend received 12 pairs of panty hose from her husband for
Mother's Day.

He said they were always having to stop by the store to pick up a pair
of hose, so he thought buying in bulk was a good idea (as well as a
good gift).

They had only been married for a year and a half and this was her
first Mother's Day.

She's a good woman though; she forgave him and they are still married
(6 years).

[SHANIANUTS!]

THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FIVE Bonehead Awards


Bonehead award one goes to all these people and their creative income
tax deductions:

· A NYC man who made some money donating sperm and who asked his
accountant if he could therefore take a "depletion allowance." He was
told it had to be an oil well or something.

· In Wyoming a man declared his dog as a dependent for years and then
became worried about the trouble he might get into. Not having enough
money to square it with the IRS he asked his accountant what to do to
for which he was told to declare "Red" as deceased on his next return
and hope nobody asks any questions.

· Then there's the bonehead who paid an arsonist to destroy his
furniture store, for which he collected $500,000 from the insurance
company. But who got caught when he claimed the arsonist's fee of
$10,000 as a "consulting fee."

· A bad joke bonehead award goes to a Texas rancher who depreciated 15
to 20 animals, something only allowed if the animals are used in
breeding who, when asked by the IRS agent at an audit, "I presume you
breed these animals?" replied that he didn't, giving his CPA a heart
attack. But then, after a pregnant pause, continued, "I've got a bull
for that."

· The man who, having lost his dentures when they fell into the
toilet, declared the loss as an "act-of-God casualty loss."

Bankrate.com 1-Feb-02
http://www.bankrate.com/nsc/itax/news/20020201a.asp

----------------------------------------



Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a St. Louis man who, while sitting in a hotel hot tub and wanting
to make friends with the other hotel guests in the tub, said to them,
"dudes, if I'd known you were here I'd have brought down the dynamite
weed I have in my room," which he eventually did bring down according
to the undercover drug cops, there to attend a meeting, who were the
other guests in the hot tub.

KOOI radio


<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>



"You had them earlier - when did they fall off?"

Comment made by a UK police officer when he noticed that a suspected
burglar about to be put in a lineup for identification by the victim
returned from the bathroom without eyebrows stating that he had a
disease which apparently causes his eyebrows to just suddenly fall off
at times.

He was given 6 months of jail for "perverting the course of justice."

UK Telegraph 13-Feb-02
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2002/02/13/nbrow1
3.xml&sSheet=/news/2002/02/13/ixhome.html
Or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?Y34B13F6


-------------------------------------


Bonehead award four, a "so much for awing them bonehead award," goes
to the 20 UK marines who accidentally invaded Spain during a training
exercise, landing on the very land that London and Madrid have been at
odds over for 300 years. They quickly left when the locals explained
to them that they were in Spain.

Reuters via The Independent (South Africa) 18-Feb-02
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=3&art_id=qw1014036121250B215&s
et_id=1
Or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?X26B42F6


-------------------------------------



Bonehead award five goes to the Todd Beamer Foundation, a foundation
meant to preserve the memory of Todd Beamer, the man whose famous last
words "Let's roll," were recorded moments before he led an assault on
the terrorists on the September 11th flight that came down in
Pennsylvania, thereby preventing the plane from reaching the intended
target thus saving untold numbers of lives.

Ironically, the Todd Beamer foundation may also be commemorating
another U.S. terrorist activity . frivolous lawsuits . for they are
trying to copyright the term "Let's roll," a common term with roots
going back years before Beamer.

OK. We're game. We're going to copyright a term too; a term sure to
make us rich in this day and age, "Let's sue them!"

Reno Gazette-Journal 9-Feb-02
http://rgj.com/news/stories/html/2002/02/09/7655.php via
http://www.overlawyered.com




************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Reader Angel wants you to know that her 5-year-old son, six months
after the TV mysteriously broke, producing only a buzz when turned on,
had one day finally admitted to her that he had peed into the VCR.

We wonder what he was watching at the time. He could have done the
right thing, you know.


-------------------------------------


They better stay away from my desk!

A jury ordered Sewall, Florida officials to pay a town couple $50,000
for displaying at town hall, with the words, "Our view of the
hillbilly hellhole" on it, a photo of the back of their house where a
damaged floating dock hangs from a tree.

Associated Press via Canadian News 13-Feb-02
http://www.canoe.ca/CNEWSWeirdNews0202/13_four-ap.html




************************************************** ********
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

Speaking of clueless, unromantic, gifts, reader Bill Hough sent me
this ad he received in a mailing:



Celebrate Valentine's Day with the Gift of Stock Ownership!

A box of chocolates just are not that healthy, and flowers fade away.
Show your significant other a gift that portrays the depth of your
love with a gift that lasts!

Come to our site to see all the great stocks to give your loved one!

Give one share of stock as a gift and get one free share of XO or
Salon for yourself!



Think we're the only ones who think men sometimes are clueless gift
givers? Check out this Close To Home cartoon:
http://images.ucomics.com/comics/cl/2002/cl020214.gif

[SHANIANUTS!]

WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT STORY?
**
*

In the July 2nd, 2001 issue
(http://www.escribe.com/humor/bonehead/m501.html) we gave a bonehead
award to a UK actress who sued the London West End stage for
discrimination for their refusing to hire her as the male fearing
blushing teenage VIRGIN daughter in the Gilbert and Sullivan, Pirates
of Penzance, because she would have played the part while in her THIRD
TRIMESTER of pregnancy, which the theater claimed, and we agreed,
would have compromised the artistic integrity of the production.

We are very happy to report that common sense has prevailed. An
employment tribunal has rejected her claim.

Ananova 7-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_538569.html


*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR bonehead awards.


Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a Colorado man, who, fleeing from police, decided to shoot back at
the officers pursuing him but who forget to get his head out of the
way before pulling the trigger.

He is now in critical condition with a gunshot wound to his face. No
shots were fired by the police

KUSA TV (Denver, Colorado) channel 9 7-Mar-02


--------------------------------------


Bonehead award two, a "this ain't art bonehead award," goes to the
Eyesto'rm Gallery in London whose "art" display by Damien Hirst,
consisting of a pile of full ashtrays, beer bottles, soda cans, coffee
cups and candy wrappers, all used, presumably worth some $7,000, which
was thrown away by the gallery's cleaner who mistook it for a pile of
full ashtrays, beer bottles, soda cans, coffee cups and candy
wrappers, all used.

"As soon as I clapped eyes on it I sighed because there was so much
mess. I didn't think for a second that it was a work of art - it didn
't look much like art to me," says Emmanuel Asare. "So I cleared it
all into bin-bags and dumped it."

And how did gallery bosses take this?

They apparently went wild when they realized their pile of junk was
binned. They went down to their art supply storeroom (the garbage
bin) and reclaimed the items. Using photographs, they put everything
back in place, probably smelling a whole lot more appropriately. And
they attached a "keep off" sign to the display.

UK Sun 19-Oct-01





And what is it you plan to do with those hostages?

Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award,"
goes to a wannabe Los Angeles, California, bank robber who, having taken
hostages during a bungled robbery, gave up when he came to realize
that, one by one, all his hostages escaped through the front door and
the bathroom window.

"He was on the phone, kind of looked around, and realized he had no
hostages," said Sgt. David Nater.

Associated Press 30-Jan-02


----------------------------------------


Don't worry, you'll know where to find us. We're the ones sitting in
your seats all dumb and happy.

Bonehead award four, another "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead
award," goes to two North Carolina burglars who, amongst other stolen
items, took tickets to an upcoming basketball game from a home,
according to police who arrested the two men in those ticket's seats
at the basketball game.

The Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN) 3-Feb-02
www.gomemphis.com



============================================
J
*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe, every one will soon be sick to death,
literally, of their litigious society.

Because of the huge awards and the number of lawsuits constantly filed
against doctors, medical malpractice insurance has risen fourfold in
some states to close their practices.

In Las Vegas alone, more than 10% of the doctors are expected, by the
summer, to quit or relocate, which will leave the city in a medical
care crises as specialists disappear and trauma centers that treat
emergencies close.

St. Paul Companies of Minnesota cited a nearly $1 billion loss just
last year in their medical malpractice insurance business. Now rates
have gone up four or five times to as much to as much as $200,000
annually, which is more than most doctors earn.

A Nevada obstetrician, when her rates jumped from $37,000 to $150,000
a year had no choice but to move to California where awards for pain
and suffering are capped at $250,000, leaving behind 30 pregnant
patients. Her insurance rate is only $17,000 per year in California.

Other states are experiencing similar problems with medical care
facilities closing down, all due to malpractice awards being so high.

Los Angeles Times 4-Mar-02 via http://www.overlawyered.com
http://www.latimes.com/templates/misc/printstory.jsp?slug=la%2D030402d
ocs
or
http://shorterlink.com/?14111B


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


"It was like waiting for New Year, except we were all crying instead
of celebrating."

Comment made by a Chilean man who, because of his doctor's bad
handwriting, misread the comment "patient fell - 13 hours" on his
doctor's note (meaning that he fell at 1 PM), reading instead
"patient dies - 13 hours."

The local health authority says they haven't ruled out introducing
handwriting classes for doctors.

Ananova 6-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_537690.html


---------------------------------------------

The following note accompanied a batch of tests sent to a New Zealand
university:

"Important!!! For Paper xxxx, students have been incorrectly advised
that calculators are permitted in this examination. However, there is
not a single question in this paper involving any calculation for
which a calculator will be required. Accordingly, calculators are
permitted but are not applicable. We apologise for any inconvenience
caused."

New Scientist


----------------------------------------------


One pothole ruins $1.4 million and kicks off a full police alert.

When an armored car, carrying $1.4 million, hit a pothole in Glasgow,
it set off an on-board anti-theft system that sprayed all the cash
with indelible dye, ruining it, and then alerted the police who
scrambled to the scene.

The money will be replaced.

Scottish Daily Record 28-Feb-02




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

It's not the gifts he's given me..they're always great ... after all,
I have to go buy them...then wrap them ... and put my name ... from
him ... and put them under the tree.

Sometimes ... he actually buys the gift himself ... while I'm standing
there .... then brings them home ... and tells me to
wrap it up.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!

Government, as good as you get.

Bonehead award one goes to the Burgess Hill Town Council in the UK
who, in response to a worker's complaint that sunlight coming through
the window caused a glare on their computer screen, has already had
three meetings, six months of discussion, contact with several
contractors, produced a six page report, worked up five potential
alternatives, their favorite being the spending of up to $10,000 to
put computer controlled screens on the outside of the window or coat
the window with reflective film, but whose Town Clerk has decided to
solve the problem by moving the desk away from the window.

Ananova 11-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_541592.html


-------------------------------------


Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a German man who had been ordering shipments of wine, picking them
up at the post office, never paying, using a fake identity, and who
angrily came down to the company to complain that some of the bottles
in his latest stolen shipment contained water (on purpose), according
to police who were waiting at company headquarters for him to come
down and complain.

Ananova 12-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_542390.html



Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award,"
goes to a West Haven man who went to an area camera store to buy a
cable for a camera the store claims he stole the day before, according
to police.

New Haven Register (New Haven, Connecticut) 26-Feb-02
http://www.zwire.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=3379488&BRD=1281&PAG=461&dep
t_id=7570&rfi=6
or
http://shorterlink.com/?92F7LF


-----------------------------



Bonehead award four goes to all the people who made it necessary for
Fruit Roll-ups to come with the warning, "Remove fruit from cellophane
before eating."



============================================

************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******

TEACHING MATH

· Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

· Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?

· Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a
set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
"M." The set "C," the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than
set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

· Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

· Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

· Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen
determine that his profit margin is $60?

Author unknown



--------------------------


Out with the old, in with the politically correct.

The British employment agencies have spotted a trend, called
"uptitling" where job names are changed to make them appear more
meaningful. For example they find that second junior managers are now
a "head," a "chief," and even a "director."

· Lavatory cleaners have been uptitled to "technical sanitation
assistants".

· Receptionists are becoming "heads of verbal telecommunications."

· Refuse collectors are now "garbologists"

· Supermarket shelf stackers have become "stock replenishment
executives"

They say that "uppaying" does not go with "uptitling."


South African Press Association via News24 (South Africa) 8-Mar-02
http://www.news24.com/News24/Entertainment/Offbeat/0,5036,2-1225-1245_
1153834,00.html
or
http://shorterlink.com/?1TYYRG




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

My niece received a car stereo from her ex. Sounds like a good gift,
but at the time she didn't own a car.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!

"To call the INS [U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service] a
Mickey Mouse agency would be an insult to Mickey."

Comment made by a U.S. congressman upon learning that the INS
(Bonehead Award winner one) just approved visas for two of the 11
terrorist hijackers who crashed planes into the World Trade Center in
New York City, in case you wondered how much background checking the
INS really does.

UK Sun 14-Mar-02
and
Las Vegas Sun 13-Mar-02
<http://www.lasvegassun.com/sunbin/stories/nat-gen/2002/mar/13/0313014
92.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?1ZUDDE


---------------------------------------------


"Does this mean I'm not getting the job?"

Comment made by our second bonehead award winner, a West Hartford,
Connecticut, man, as he was being taken away handcuffed, when, after
passing the written, oral and physical agility tests to become a
police patrol officer, he admitted to the police chief at his
face-to-face interview that he owned a handgun without a permit and
that the chief could come see it in his car, if he'd like, which he
did like, according to the police chief.

The police chief recalls this happening once before when, during an
interview, an applicant mentioned he had a cache of military
explosives in his house.

Hartford Courant (Hartford, Connecticut) 13-Mar-02
<http://www.ctnow.com/news/local/hr/hc-whdbusted0313.artmar13.story>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?JJ7V37

*~*~*~


Bonehead award three goes to a UK man who has collected some $120,000
in disabilities benefits by claiming to be confined to a wheelchair
and who is now charged with deception after filing a claim with his
automobile insurance company stating that his car had been stolen
while he was out jogging, which he went on to say, he does three times
a week and who compounded his error by chasing the insurance
investigator around his house.

UK Telegraph 8-Mar-02
<http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2002/03/08/nscam
08.xml&sSheet=/news/2002/03/08/ixhome.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?BIU9WD


-------------------------------


Bonehead award four goes to an award-winning reporter for the
Washington Post who is believed to have wanted to send his new book up
the best seller list by buying between 16,000 and 18,000 copies of his
own book, online, from Barnesandnoble.com and then returning most of
them in a "confusing series of transactions."

Washington Post 7-Mar-02
<http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A51970-2002Mar6.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?B1VNBW

============================================

************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


For we Star Trek fans.

Three very lucky sailors from the U.S.S. Enterprise aircraft carrier
will make guest appearances on Star Trek Enterprise playing the part
of crewmen.

The sailors are Aviation Electronic Technician First Class Robert
Pickering, Aviation Electrician's Mate Second Class Timothy
Whittington and Personnelman Third Class Sara Elizabeth Pizzo. They
were chosen to appear because of their having been bestowed the honor
as "Sailors of the Year."

They will appear in "Dessert Crossing" on May 8th on UPN.

Paramount, to keep morale high on the U.S.S. Enterprise after it's
deployment as the first ship sent to the Arabian Sea following 911,
has been providing the crew with advance tapes of "Enterprise"
episodes.

United Press International 13-Mar-02


-----------------------------------



Every so often you get reminded that government employees are just
people and that some of them do things that can make them your
personal hero.

Today we honor a U.S. Patent office examiner who obviously had reached
his limit in reviewing badly written patent applications who, in his
official report rejecting an inventor's claims, included the following
in the rejection:

"As to claims 12 and 13, the Applicant recites the limitation 'more
distant.' It is unclear to the Examiner who has no f*cking clue as to
what this means." Note that the word "f*cking" was spelled correctly
in the report but if we spell it correctly here, in this mailing, then
many of you will never get this mailing because your companies will
bounce it.

You can see the actual rejection at
http://www.bustpatents.com/obscene.bmp.

New Scientist

************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

For our 2nd Christmas my (ex-) husband got me a lovely dog figurine
knowing that I am terrified of dogs.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!


Bonehead award one, a "most arrogance" bonehead award goes to a French
Canadian who is suing both Air Canada and Air Ontario because,
although fluent in both English and French, he was unable to order a
7-Up drink in French during a flight because none of the flight
attendants spoke any French (although apparently a requirement in
Canada), and who, the airline says, began shouting at everyone after
he landed and thus had to be removed by police, and who now believes
that he is therefore personally entitled to $525,000 for the insult.

"I'm not asking for a right here, I'm exercising a right I already
have," he said, presumably in French. We presume he means the right
to sue anyone for anything no matter how extreme and unreasonable.

The "Official Languages Commissioner" supports his lawsuit citing
other offensive behavior on the part of airline attendants who, for
example, had the audacity to say hello to him in English.

Ottawa Citizen 2-Mar-02 via http://www.overlawyered.com
<http://www.nationalpost.com/scripts...p?f=/stories/20
020302/213682.html>


---------------------------


Bonehead award two goes to the warden of the Westville Correctional
Facility, the largest prison in Indiana (U.S.), who misplaced the keys
to the prison requiring the state to spend $102,000 to replace all the
locks and whose wife found them at home while she was cleaning.

He may face disciplinary charges.

The West Australian 14-Mar-02
http://www.thewest.com.au/20020314/...gned-home-sto91
21.html
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?N14221E8



~*~*~*

Bonehead award three goes to the University of Cambridge in the UK for
the following automated reply returned for any e-mail sent to the
board of graduate studies:

"This message is automatically generated in response to your mail
message (perhaps re-directed) to bgs@hermes.cam.ac.uk. Feel free to
send more mail, as this reply will not be repeated (provided you send
from the same address). This reply is from The University of Cambridge
Board of Graduate Studies Admissions Enquiry Service. Please do not
send further messages (ignore the first four lines of this message)."

New Scientist


------------------------------------


Bonehead award four goes to a LOOser

Police report that a strange man wearing a long coat was seen leaving
the Queen's Head pub in Brighton in the UK and that afterwards pub
staff found a toilet seat missing from the ladies restroom.

UK Sunday People 18-Mar-02


============================================

*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe religion doesn't deliver from, but
rather delivers too.

15 schoolgirls died in a blaze in Saudi Arabia, and 50 others were
injured, when they were prevented from leaving a blazing building by
Saudi Arabia's religious police who forced them back into the building
because the girls were not wearing correct Islamic dress, according to
newspaper reports in Saudi Arabia. The girls were not wearing the
required headscarves and abayas (black robes).

The al-Eqtisadiah daily reports that firemen confronted the police as
they beat the girls back into the building, but to no avail. Even the
school guard refused to open the gates to let the girls out.

BBC 15-Mar-02
<http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/wo...sid_1874000/187
4471.stm>
or
http://makeashorterlink.com/?W2A653A8


**************************************************
*******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
**************************************************
*******


The following was taken verbatim from the QT column in the Chicago
Sun-Times:

A call was placed.

"Thank you for calling the Boston Medical Group."

You list locations in Los Angeles, Orange County, San Diego, North
Miami Beach, Chicago, San Francisco and New York.

"Yes."

Do you have any locations in Boston?

"No."

Thank you.

"You're welcome."


---------------------------------------------


Spoil sports!

A Portuguese physicist, in a paper published in the Institute of
Physics journal says he's come to the conclusion that the Star Trek
warp drive will never happen. This is VERY disconcerting news.

The drive works on the principal of "negative energy" which causes
space to contract in front of the Enterprise and expand behind it,
thus, I suppose, allowing the ship to move greater distances due to
the compression of space.

He says nobody has any idea how to make negative energy and if they
could it would not have warp drive effect.

Oh, what does he know anyway!

Ananova 7-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_538441.html



**************************************************
********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (but almost always, men) WHO CAN'T BUY
GIFTS" FILES
**************************************************
********

My first husband, at our first Christmas together as man and wife,
presented me with a... hammer. There was no joke, no inside story. He
wanted the new hammer and knew if he gave it to me he could confiscate
it for his own use.


__________________

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FIVE Bonehead Awards!


An Honest politician gets a bonehead award. What can we say?

Bonehead award one goes to Spanish Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar
who, after giving a speech at the European Parliament in Brussels, not
checking to make sure his microphone was off while he was receiving
applause for his speech, inadvertently announced clearly to the
audience, "What nonsense I have just come out with."

ABC (Australia) 21-Mar-02
http://abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s509661.htm

---------------------------

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes
to a San Diego man who took a cab to his home, robbed the driver, and
then went inside his home, according to the police.

Steve Harvey's column in the LA Times


---------------------------

Bonehead award three goes to a LaSalle, Minnesota driver who ran a
stop sign and crashed his car into a ditch because he had taken his
eyes off the road for a "long time" to watch a police car in his
rear-view mirror turning onto the road fearing that he would be
nailed for speeding.

It worked. He didn't get a speeding ticket. Instead he got three
other tickets. One ticket was for improper lane usage, another for
disobeying a stop sign and the third for failure to wear a seat belt.

Bill Flick's column in the Daily Pantograph, Bloomington-Normal,
Minnesota

~*~*~~*


Did you know that the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?

Bonehead award four goes the about 130 people in South Africa who were
duped out of some $1.5 million when they invested in a company
believing it was owned by God. Some invested as much as $85,000. No
investment was less than $11,000.

The Star (South Africa) via The Independent (South Africa) 15-Mar-02
<http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=13&art_id=ct2002031510485275S
615371&set_id=1>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?RZIIGA


----------------------------------------------


Bonehead award five, a "too dumb to be a criminal," bonehead award
goes to a Dutch woman who stole a pair of jeans, the theft of which
was caught by store surveillance cameras, who then called the store to
see if they would exchange the trousers for a larger size, according
to police who were waiting for her.

Ananova 19-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_548130.html



============================================


*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe ambulances are not just for medical
emergencies but also for travel emergencies.


A baby being transported by air ambulance in Winnipeg, Canada, for
treatment of an oversized heart, liver problems, discoloration of his
skin and trouble with his internal organs had to wait while he was in
his critically ill state while the air ambulance was re-routed to pick
up Lieutenant-Governor Peter Liba from a sporting event. In all, it
took two-and-a-half hours before the baby reached the hospital.

And what says Deputy Government Services Minister Steve Kupfer about
this?

He says that while the baby seems to have been unharmed by the delay,
that there will be an investigation and until then air medical flights
will be 100 percent dedicated to air medical flights. What a concept!

The baby's parents say they never received an apology or an
explanation from the government.

CBC News




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Marketing, as good as it gets.

From a Warner Brothers TV promo for "The Gilmore Girls:"

"...slowly developing into an instant classic."


------------------------------------------------


New legal frontiers.

Karl-Friedrich Lentze, an artist in Germany, has launched a lawsuit
against the Pope over the Pope's religious position against condom use
arguing that the Pope "should be made responsible for the deaths of
countless people" because condoms prevent the spread of AIDS. The sui
t is filed at the International Court in the Hague.

And what says the Catholic Church?

Spokesman Manfred Becker-Huberti says that it is the Pope's position
that condoms could not eradicate AIDS and that "it needs a different
pattern of sexual behavior that is determined by faithfulness to one's
partner."

Ananova 5-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_536561.html



********************************
*** READERS HAVE THEIR INPUT ***
********************************

From Anthony M. Radice:

With regard to the physicist who claims that "warp drive" will never
happen: I merely refer to the chair of physics at Cambridge who said
that liquid fueled engines will never be able to propel rockets. Or
Mr. Thomas Watson who, in the 1950's, said that the world had enough
capacity for about five (5) - that's the fingers on ONE hand -
computers. That would be the Thomas Watson who was the chairman of
American Tabulating Machine Company - now known as IBM. As a former
boss of mine said: Those who say something can't be done should not
interrupt those doing it.


************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (seems just about always, men) WHO CAN'T BUY
GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

Submitted by a woman, just these three words:

an antifreeze tester

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Now this will teach me a lesson!

Bonehead award one goes to a Raleigh, North Carolina man who, so
incensed that his girlfriend didn't buy the car he thought she should
have bought, set her newly bought car on fire in a parking garage with
the resulting explosion throwing him over the railing and down 35
feet, according to police who say that when he gets out of intensive
care they have a few arrest warrants waiting for him.

WRAL Channel 5 Raleigh-Durham-Fayetteville, NC 20-Mar-02
http://www.wral.com/news/1313602/detail.html


---------------------------------


How many ways can you say, "We know who you are"?

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal," bonehead award goes
to an Everett, Washington bank robber who:

· At bank robbery one, gave a bank teller a note with his girlfriend's
name and phone number on the back of it,

· At bank robbery two, gave a bank teller a note written on the back
of a piece of paper he borrowed from the cab who took him to the bank
and which had all the information for identifying the cab on the back
of it

· Went shopping the next day in the building where the second bank he
robbed is located.

He also stiffed the cab driver.

Associated Press via KTRK-TV Houston, Texas 22-Mar-02
http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/news/32202_sn_banknote.html



******************************************

Bonehead award three, a "stupidest excuse in the world" bonehead award
goes to a New Orleans store thief who was found hiding in the woods
with a duffel bag containing the items stolen from the store and who,
when shown the store surveillance video of him stealing the items,
tried to tell police that it was his evil twin brother who follows him
around and does bad things.

The police say they have no plans to look for an evil twin.

And what says his sister?

She says he has a brother "but he's not a twin, and he's certainly not
evil."

Times-Picayune (New Orleans, Louisiana) 21-Mar-02
<http://www.nola.com/news/t-p/sttammany/index.ssf?/newsstory/t_burg21.
html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?3523IT



---------------------------------------


Bonehead award four goes to all those people who buy the "Original
Hollywood Celebrity Diet Juice."

The following interview comes from the Gene Weingarten column in the
Washington Post:

Weingarten: I see that you say you can lose up to 10 pounds in two
days by drinking this juice, but when you read the fine print, it
tells you not to consume food or alcohol during the two days. Is that
right?

Kim (at customer service): Correct.

W: So basically, you are promising that if you starve yourself totally
for two days, you will lose weight?

Kim: It's also working to burn fat while you are fasting.

W: But you're starving yourself!

Kim: Well, that's what a fast is.

W: Selling a lot of this product, are we?

Kim: Yes, we're doing very well.

W: Is this a great country, or what?

Kim: Oh, yeah.

Washington Post 17-Mar-02
<http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A16296-2002Mar12.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?LHTC4Q



============================================


*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe ignorance brings out the animal.

The SPCA of South Africa is reporting that boys in a South African
village are now regularly having sex with goats, believing that
practicing bestiality is the way to avoid AIDS. Bestiality is a
criminal offense in South Africa.

And this is having a negative effect on the farmers.

"Since we've learnt that these rumors are true people don't want to be
associated with these goats. No one wants anything to do with their
meat or milk. I'm going to have to destroy my goats," says one
farmer.

The SPCA is trying to use television advertising to dispel the myth
and put an end to the practice.

South African Press Association via Tiscali (South Africa) 25-Mar-02
<http://www.worldonline.co.za/news/news_center_020325.460947.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?AFPJIF



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Oops, I did it again.

Pop singer Britney Spears escaped unharmed after starting a fire in
her New York apartment when she went shopping, leaving a candle
unattended.

Her mother says she once put the family bathroom on fire in their
Louisiana home when she left a candle unattended.

Candles are one of the major causes of home fires.

UK Sun 21-Mar-02

----------------------------------------


For those whose mouth runs instead of their feet?

The following label was found on a pair of Cush socks:

Cush feels great and provides moisture transfer to keep your feet dry
and comfortable mile after mile. Easy care - Machine wash cold. Tumble
dry low. No Chlorine Bleach. Do not eat.

From the Steve Harvey column in the LA Times.


----------------------------------------


Political debates you are unlikely to hear where you live.

A Belgian councilor, Ivo Konings, who is disabled, has proposed that
the government give disabled people money to visit prostitutes. He
says disabled people should be allowed a fulfilling sex life. Church
groups disagree.

Ananova 21-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_550103.html




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

I just read about all those the lame gifts....got one better. I
actually had a boyfriend once who gave me some southwestern pottery
for my birthday.... seeing some dirt around the edges I inquired where
they had came from. He stated that he had stole them from a house he
had just helped paint. Needless to say he was asked to leave.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!


We're not the only ones who get opportunities because of stupid
people.

Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a Mentor, Ohio man who, while spray painting obscene phrases onto
the walls of a local skate park, proudly gave another park visitor his
name when asked and then posed for pictures clearly showing the "$500
reward for vandal information" sign in the background, according to
police.

KOOI radio


------------------


Bonehead award two goes to the Greater Manchester Police in the UK
who, when called by a firefighter to report a man carrying a set of
tools near a plumbing van that had a broken window, was told by the
police to hand the phone over to the man who then told the police he
worked for the plumber and, seeing the broken window, was taking the
tools from the van to a safe place. Satisfied with his story, the
police did nothing more until four hours later when they came down to
investigate what turned out to be a robbery.

And what says John and Carole Curley, the owners of the van, who are
now out some $1,000 worth of equipment because the police took the
thief's word for it?

"It's a disgrace and a scandalous situation - the police totally
failed us,"

The Telegraph (UK) 27-Mar-02
<http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2002/03/27/nfone
27.xml&sSheet=/news/2002/03/27/ixhome.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?ZR3TMZ



******************************************
Bonehead award three goes to a Vancouver, Washington woman who, while
addressing a Clark County Superior Court judge to explain a late
payment for her boyfriend's fine, pulled her hands from her pocket as
she began gesturing thus tossing a bag of methamphetamine into the
air, according to court officials who feel they made a good catch that
day.

MSNBC 13-Mar-02
http://www.msnbc.com/local/vcolptld/m159001.asp?cp1=1


----------------------------------------


A marketing idea gone bad, like the food.

Bonehead award four goes to the Smuckers company for creating a
temptation beyond the taste of their foods.

Archer & Valerie from XHEPR-FM radio in Juárez, Mexico wants you to
know that they have been finding jars of Smuckers brand fruit spread
with mold in them at their local market because people have been
following the label directions to "look under the cap to see if you've
won" a trip to Disney World, thereby leaving all the caps "kooshed"
and everyone one else a looser.

They say "one jar we bought had a half-inch of mold growing on it."

Archer & Valerie
XHEPR-FM, Juárez, Mexico



============================================


*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe, for government, time is truly money.

Wisconsin's governor, Janesville, spent $2,600 to fly from Madison to
Janesville, a 50-mile trip, so he could save 20 minutes travel time.
He was on his way to discuss the state's $1.1 billion state deficit.
Correction, the state's $1,100,002,600 state deficit. According to
the article, this sort of abuse has become a habit for the governor.

The governor's office says "we don't think we've done anything wrong.
Who's going to make the judgment of whether or not it's an efficient
use of the plane? You? Or Norquist?

Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel 22-Mar-02
http://www.jsonline.com/news/state/mar02/29211.asp



************************************************** ******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Good cop? Or bad cop?

Italian police forced a driver to search a half-mile stretch of
roadway for three hours for a cigarette he flicked out his window. He
was fined about $15 since he never found his butt.

He says he's been mistreated.

Ananova 26-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/yournews/story/sm_553663.html


---------------------------------------------------


"They didn't want to disturb him any longer."

Comment made by a German police spokeswoman explaining why the police
left a man's apartment soon after entering it in response to a report
by a neighbor that he was seen carrying a dead body into his apartment
which ended up being a silicon life-like female doll that the man
happened to be, at that moment, trying out.

Reuters 26-Mar-02
<http://www.reuters.com/news_article.jhtml?type=humannews&StoryID=7422
66>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?0YDEPP




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

The gift to top all clueless gifts was the year he bought me new
sweats, but wrapped them in a new stereo box so I wouldn't know what
they were.

It's a good thing I love this guy, in spite of his gift giving
handicap... and yes, I have learned to buy my own gifts!

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!


Bonehead award one goes to a Belgian man who took his dog for a
walk - while he stayed in the car - having the dog run alongside
the car on the leash as he drove 20 MPH. Drivers in the other
direction slammed their brakes and swerved. Behind him he
created a traffic jam. And there's no need to describe how
scared the dog, a German shepherd, was.

He faces up to three months in jail or an $8,500 fine.

De Morgen (Germany) via Ananova (UK) 21-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_550010.html


-----------------------------------------


Marketing, as good as it gets.

News item: Detroit named the "Greatest City on the Earth" in the
current issue of Maxim magazine while dismissing the 12 runner
ups with scathing comments.

News item: Philadelphia named the "Greatest City on the Earth" in
the current issue of Maxim magazine while dismissing the 12
runner ups with scathing comments.

News item: San Francisco named the "Greatest City on the Earth"
in the current issue of Maxim magazine while dismissing the 12
runner ups with scathing comments.

News item: Ten other U.S. cities named the "Greatest City on the
Earth" in the current issue of Maxim magazine while dismissing
the 12 runner ups with scathing comments.

Bonehead award two goes to Maxim, a men's lifestyle magazine, for
deep sixing their credibility by coming out with 13 different
versions of their magazine, with each set declaring a different
city as the best in the world, while insulting the twelve
runner-ups, and then distributing each set to a region nearest
the winning city. Except for the New York City version that is,
which was mistakenly sent to Philadelphia where Philly residents
got to see themselves described as "a lard a-s with arteries
packed as tight as a Colombian airline passenger's G.I. tract,"
and their city described as "a glorified pi-s break between New
York and D.C."

When the Detroit Free Press, noticing that they were the best
city on earth, asked the publisher if other cities were involved,
the publisher flat-out lied, saying there wasn't and that
"everything we said about Detroit, we meant." Which is
unfortunate because in other versions of the magazine they wrote
that Detroit is a "dismal wasteland of abandoned warehouses and
Kid Rock wannabes," and continued that the best thing they can
say about Detroit is that it's "not quite Canada."


Detroit Free Press 21-Mar-02
http://www.freep.com/news/metro/maxim21_20020321.htm

Philadelphia Daily News 22-Mar-02
http://www.philly.com/mld/dailynews/news/local/2911922.htm



******************************************


Prisoner takes fall for a wee bit of a protest.

Bonehead award three goes to a Brisbane, Australian prisoner who,
protesting being disciplined for threatening a corrections
officer, peed all over the floor and door of his cell, causing
himself to slip and injure his back.

ABC (Australia) 21-Mar-02
http://www.abc.net.au/news/newsitems/s509647.htm


---------------------------------------


Prospective employees please note: Acceptance of employment with
this writing center may require you to have a nose job.

In the old days people would try to nail you if YOU had "dirty
thoughts." Now they want to nail you if THEY have dirty
thoughts.


Bonehead award four goes to Sacramento (California) State
University's Writing Center for removing a photograph of a sea
shell from an art exhibit because some people at the center said
it reminded them of a vagina. They said it was too sensual.
Hmm. Whatever turns you on, baby.

They should ponder the words of Sigmund Freud, "Sometimes a cigar
is just a cigar."

Sacramento News & Review 14-Mar-02
http://www.newsreview.com/issues/sacto/2002-03-14/news.asp



============================================
J*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe, all rules must be followed to the
letter . except the Golden Rule.

"Officials at Wal-Mart's corporate office in Betonville,
Arkansas, say store employees were merely following company
policy by not tampering with the machine."

Wal-Mart's excuse as to why a 73-year-old woman in Geneseo,
Illinois, had to remain trapped by a newspaper dispensing machine
for over 20 minutes after the spring loaded door closed and
locked, trapping the strings from her hooded jacket, while store
employees refused to do anything to help her get free.

Of course they could have lent her fifty cents to unlock the
door, but no store employee was willing to trust that she would
pay it back.

``I was stuck there for a while until some little gal came by and
asked if everything was all right,'' says the woman. When she
came back she said that the woman there [in the store] said that
there wasn't anything that she could do since the machine wasn't
theirs."

Finally, after 20 minutes, a store employee lent her the 50 cents
she needed to unlock the door.

Would they have otherwise left her there overnight until the
morning newspaper delivery? ``I was beginning to wonder if
anyone was ever going to get me out of the thing,'' she said.

Moline Dispatch (Moline, Illinois) 22-Mar-02




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Want to see something that is way cool?

A virtual keyboard was unveiled by Siemens at the CeBIT computer
fair in Hanover, Germany. The device, manufactured by VKB Inc.,
a company in Israel, uses a projector to display an image of a
keyboard on a flat surface and detects user interaction with the
surface so, voila, you have a virtual keyboard. It also
simulates a mouse pad.

It's perfect for mobile phones, laptops, PDAs or even sterile
medical environments.

The article has a must-see picture.

Ananova 19-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_548253.html


---------------------------------------------------


It all began when a 17-year-old boy, working at a gasoline
station in Toronto, reported that he was forced by a woman in her
40s, under threat of being stabbed, to let her perform oral sex
on him.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

The next day the owner of the gasoline station says he received a
flood of calls from teenage boys wanting to work at the station.

Be careful what you wish for ...

Police say they found their "man." The "woman" ended up being a
man who was a math and physics teacher at a Toronto Catholic high
school.

Canadian News 20-Mar-02
http://www.canoe.ca/CNEWSWeirdNews0203/20_gasbar-sun.html

Winnipeg Sun 21-Mar-02
http://www.canoe.ca/WinnipegNews/ws.ws-03-21-0017.html




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

The first year my boyfriend and I got together he bought me for
Christmas/B-day, a 12 pack of bud light and 2 packs of
cigarettes.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Bonehead award one, a "how did you know?" bonehead award goes to Jesus
Rodriguez of Cleveland, Ohio, who, fearing the police would arrest him
for drug dealing, sought to protect his $301,000 of drug money stash
by hauling it down to the bank in two shopping bags to place into a
checking account, according to police who said he also told the bank
he was unemployed.

Cleveland Plain Dealer (Cleveland, Ohio) 28-Mar-02
<http://www.cleveland.com/news/plaindealer/index.ssf?/xml/story.ssf/ht
ml_standard.xsl?/base/news/10173114572541130.xml>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?WRUNI5


------------------


Government, as good as it gets.

Bonehead award two goes to the Norwegian postal service for printing
1.3 million postage stamps honoring Norwegian soccer referee Lars
Johan Hammer but unwittingly using the picture of a stranger
eventually found to be Peter Hertel, a German referee who,
fortunately, says it's OK that the stamps contain his image.The
Norwegian postal service describes the mix-up as embarrassing.

Aftenposten (Norway) 27-Mar-02
<http://www.aftenposten.no/english/local/article.jhtml?articleID=30213
5>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?1PU3ZU

and Ananova 30-Mar-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_556702.html




******************************************

Marketing, as good as it gets.

Label found on a string of decorative lights:

"For indoor and outdoor use only"

http://www.engrish.com/images/indoor-outdoor.jpg


----------------------------------------


Marketing, as good as it gets, Part II:

EasyRentaACar.com's Glasgow page contains the following:

"easyRentacar regrets that it cannot remain open outside the published
opening hours in the event of any delays or failures in the mode of
transport used to reach the rental location, including where travel is
by easyJet."

Not to worry though, at least if you can wait just two minutes. The
following appears immediately below the above disclaimer:

hours of opening
00:01 - 23.59

http://www.easycar.com/eng/siteinfo/locationdetail.asp?location=GLA
near the bottom of the page.
via New Scientist.




*************************************************
HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe justice is blind, but only because it
has its head up its butt.

The Colorado Court of Appeals has ruled that people who are victims of
a crime committed in a car are covered by that car owner's automobile
insurance policy. State Farm insurance had reasonably argued that
they should not cover such assaults because using the car as a
location for an assault is not a "use" of the car as defined in the
policy.

And you think you pay a lot now for auto insurance in the U.S. now?

Denver Post 15-Mar-02
http://www.denverpost.com/Stories/0,1002,53%257E463531,00.html
via http://www.overlawyered.com


************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Star News, a publication of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's
Department, lists the following distress calls, in case you think your
life should be more interesting.

· "Informant [caller] has a strange hairdo and mother won't let her in
the house."

· "Informant's 32-year-old daughter is throwing cupcakes at her."

· "Informant wants the microchips from his vocal box and head
removed."

· "Wife vs. husband. Informant upset re. wife attempting to force him
to eat breakfast."


Steve Harvey's column in the LA Times


--------------------------


Warning! Incoming lawyers! You got a problem with this buddy?

Two Westchester, New York, residents have filed a lawsuit asking a
judge to order the Indian Point nuclear power plant to install
surface-to-air missile launchers to protect it from incoming
terrorists.

They claim that an attack can bring a nuclear meltdown, causing
"political, economic and social crises and chaos of such magnitude as
to threaten the very existence of this nation and leave its very
survival in doubt."

Maybe they are on to something. Can you imagine what "political,
economic and social crises and chaos" will come from all the resulting
lawsuits if such an attack actually succeeded? ... or as a result of
the missiles exploding and taking down a plane?

NY Post 30-Mar-02
http://www.nypost.com/news/regionalnews/13379.htm




************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men, always men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

We've been married 36 yrs. I got married at l8, was 5'l"and weighed
99 lbs. My lst Christmas gift from him was a pair of tailored
flannel pajamas (we lived in Florida) size large.

Then after 30 yrs of marriage and 30 more lbs , he gave me a velour
jogging suit (I do jog) size PETITE SMALL. Is he trying to tell me
something?

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS
*****************************

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!


Bonehead award one goes to a Manhattan Beach, California man who, only
after giving two psychics well over a half million dollars, did he
finally become suspicious and think that it might be a con. Still he
wasn't sure so he decided to check and found them at home when they
were supposed to be at a psychic's meeting doing some sort of woo woo
on his behalf with other psychics. He declined to give them the
remaining quarter million and contacted the police instead.

LATimes 30-Mar-02
<http://www.latimes.com/templates/misc/printstory.jsp?slug=la%2D000022
818mar30>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?94PMK6


----------------------------------


Bonehead award two, a "this ain't art," bonehead award goes to all
those people who pretend to be sophisticated art lovers, claiming to
see great value in "art" made from garbage, and in particular the
value in the exhibit that appeared at the White Cube gallery in London
several years ago where fans of "artist" Tracy Emin just loved her
exhibit consisting of her bed, littered with used condoms, empty vodka
bottles, soiled underwear, cigarette butts and a pregnancy testing
kit. The very same people who have now exposed their true
understanding of art by running about London taking down posters Emin
had put up about a missing cat, thinking they were grabbing art worth
hundreds of dollars, that ended up being nothing more than Emin
putting up posters hoping to find her missing cat.

The Independent (South Africa) 28-Mar-02
<http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?click_id=29&art_id=qw1017317880532B216
&set_id=1>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?NWQNLY




******************************************
Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal," bonehead award
goes to a Chilean man who, after bungling a store robbery where the
store owner grabbed his gun, returned later, after showering and
getting into formal dress, and asked the store owner if he could have
his gun back, according to police.

Ananova 1-Apr-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_557737.html


-----------------------------


By popular reader acclaim:

Never bait a police officer with donuts!!

Bonehead award four goes to two Slidell, Louisiana thieves who jumped
into a parked Krispy Kreme donut truck and drove off, forgetting to
first close the rear truck door, and so left a trail of donuts
15-miles-long, according to very angry police who hate seeing donuts
go to waste.

Reuters via iWon 29-Mar-02
<http://news1.iwon.com/article/id/223077|oddlyenough|03-29-2002::07:10
|reuters.html>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?2QRFXD



************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Bradley County, Tennessee, has joined several other Tennessee counties
in voting to post the Ten Commandments in public places.

Now a group of Islam followers are demanding that the Five Pillars of
Islam be displayed in these same places.

The county has refused to consider their request.

"The commission's refusal to even consider her proposal makes it clear
the commission is using its power to promote one religious doctrine
over others," says the American Civil Liberties Union, which is
starting a lawsuit to force the county to either post all or post
none.

The Tennessean 28-Mar-02
<http://www.tennessean.com/local/archives/02/03/15440830.shtml?Element
_ID=15440830>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?XM8RBR


-------------------------------------


In some countries, attorneys aren't as lucky as there are here in the
U.S.

Do you remember all the lawsuits here in the U.S. where people have
sued because they spilled hot coffee on themselves, and won?

Well, it's not going to happen in the UK where a High Court judge
struck down suits by thirty-six people, including children, claiming
to have been scalded by spillages, telling them that it's up to
customers to ensure that care is taken to avoid spills. Wow, such
radical common sense.

UK Telegram 28-Mar-02





************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men, always men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

...He did give me a few other things for Christmas. One item was the
third copy of a particular cd by a classical composer that I don't
care for. Every time he gave me one, he told me how hard they were to
find. Not hard enough, apparently, since I now have three.
-------------------------------------------------------

[SHANIANUTS!]

Today we bestow FOUR Bonehead Awards!


Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes
to a Rochester, New York, wannabe bank robber who recreated a scene
from Woody Allen's "Take the Money and Run," when she handed a teller
at the HSBC bank a holdup note, written with such poor handwriting,
that the teller had to take the note to another teller to get help to
find out what the note said, which took so long that by the time the
tellers realized they were being robbed and the money bag was handed
over, bank employees had already closed the bank for the day and
locked up, leaving her trapped in the foyer.

Associated Press via Yahoo News 3-Apr-02
<http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=816&ncid=816&e=5&u=/a
p/20020403/ap_on_fe_st/brf_sloppy_writing_robber_1>
or
http://shorterlink.com/?Y26H7A


----------------------------------------------------


Bonehead award two, another "two dumb to be a criminal" bonehead
award, also goes to a wannabe bank robber. This time in St. Louis,
Missouri, whose attempt to rob a bank an April 1st was not taken
seriously by the teller who believed it to be an April Fools prank,
resulting in his exasperated statement, "No, lady, I'm robbing you,"
which then got everyone's attention, including bank security,
according to police who arrested him as he tried fleeing in
exasperation.

Associated Press via KSL TV channel 5 (Salt Lake City, Utah)



^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The best kind of fly catcher.

Bonehead award three goes to a flasher who confronted a 12-year-old
girl in an elevator and who left damaged. She had reached down and
zipped up his fly, catching his penis in the zipper.

Police are checking area hospitals expecting the man will need to get
treatment.

The Virginian-Pilot 4-Apr-02
http://www.pilotonline.com/news/nw0404ouc.html


-----------------------------



They never quite understood human rights either.

Bonehead award four goes to Moscow's Mayor Yuri Luzhkov who, decreeing
it too cruel, cancelled Moscow's first bullfight and sent the three
imported Spanish bulls instead to a "nature reserve," a farm that is,
where they came close to freezing to death in the Russian winter
before one was mauled to death by the other two and where they are
kept in overcrowded conditions in stalls that haven't been cleaned for
the past 8 months because farm workers haven't been paid.

Good job, Luzhkov.


UPI


************************************************** *******
*** WEIRD EXTRAS ***
*** Stories without comment (well, sometimes) ***
************************************************** *******


Pig Alert!

David Demerchant, wanting to buy four tickets to Paul McCartney's
concert, went to ticketmasters.com, instead of ticketmaster.com,
bought his four tickets and then discovered, when the charge came
through, that there was an extra $700 charge added to the bill.
Ironically using ticketmasters.com sends you off to a site called
"cheap tix." More like "cheap tricks."

There is nothing that can be done about it.

There are many ticket scalper sites that are out to snare you. Be
careful buying tickets from the Internet.

Record-Eagle (Traverse City, Michigan) 3-Apr-02
http://www.record-eagle.com/2002/apr/3tickts.htm


--------------------------------



How much more crap do you think this house can take? A family finds
out.

It would not have been an honorable way to die, so it's a good thing
the Bostos family in Chile achieved their narrow escape from their
home when their roof collapsed under the weight of 15 years of pigeon
droppings.

A bad time to be a pigeon in Chile.

The neighbors are very worried. They want the pigeons killed before
their performance brings the house down again.

Ana Maria Bustos says she was sickened at the site of the room filled
with debris, bird poop, feathers and worms. Environmental health
officials say they'll fumigate the house.

La Cuarta (Chile) via Ananova 3-Apr-02
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_559354.html





************************************************** ********
FROM "SIGNIFICANT OTHERS (men, always men) WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
************************************************** ********

I had been dating a guy for a few months when his family was leaving
to spend the weekend in Orlando. While he was there he called me to
say that he missed me and he had bought me a gift that really reminded
him of me and that he knew it would be perfect and that I would love
it.

For the next few days I wondered endlessly what it was and as time got
closer to our next date, I got really excited. when he arrived to pick
me up he was clearly excited and handed me this beautifully wrapped
box, I open it....and there sits a children's Tigger headband. One of
those furry ones. And he was so pleased with it that he had me wear
it for half of the night and even took me around to my friend's house
to show off his wonderful, thoughtful present.

[SHANIANUTS!]

*****************************
THE BONEHEAD AWARDS